Life Undecided

2002-08-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

The Bramble Patch

Well, it has been like four or five days since I last posted the dramas of my life. And as you may guess, a lot has happened in the past four days to warrant a blog as thick as the Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times.

Well for starters, I never did end up having that great Thirsday like I was hoping for. Things just never panned out... not in a bad way, just in a bad timing way... I had car troubles -- which is the sotry of my life!!! On Friday... you know what? I can't even remember that far back right now. Let me think... well to recap the last couple of days is going to be hard on my brain so I will give you a general idea in no particular order.

Friday night I am pretty sure that I went out with Bobbie somwhere, but I can't remember where right now... I am sure she will comment and refresh my memory. On Saturday I went out to the movies with my mom and pop to see the movie "Signs" starring Mel Gibson (my mom likes Mel... I am like, yeah, he was good to look at like fifteen years ago... anyways...). Let me just say that M. Night Shamalalalmnama... whatever his name is... did it again! Such a disappointment!!!! I can not recommend this movie as a great flick. It is below average, but not too bad. It is definitely better than M. Night's previous two flicks "The 6th Sense" and "Unbreakable" in that it did give you an eerie feeling in some parts. What made the movie suck was the ending. M. Night always screws up his endings and leaves the audience asking "Is that it?" I would not call this movie a movie about aliens, but rather a movie about a man who needs to re-find his faith in order to survive. Once again, Night goes for a "moral of the story" ending rather than a thrilling conclusion. It was depressing to watch. So after wasting $6.50 on that crap, we met up with Bobbie who happened to be at the same movie theater watching a different movie (and no Cristina, my mom & dad are not our third "clique" -- lol!). Bobbie came over my pad later that night and we went out to Norm's to have coffee and check out all the fine mens that were out in Whittier. To our dismay we did not get our usual waiter... the mayor of Brute-ville, the Old Spice spokesman, Mr. AquaVelva himself. We were sad. :o(

As Sunday rolled around I was feeling really nervous. I had talked to Yvette and Yolie the day before and had promised them to meet for lunch the next day. I knew this would be the day that I came out to them about my bisexuality. Jenn and Erica would also be there and so there was added nervousness. I have known these girls for awhile now and I hope I do not freak them out with my new and improved sens of identity. I guess I am getting so used to being out with it and so comfortable with myself that I am starting to forget that I am still half way in the closet about some of this stuff. It just feels so liberating at times. The other day I was over at MTSAC and I saw this cute guy walk by and I said, aloud, "Damn!" as I watched him walk away. Other people heard me and I wasn't embarassed really -- well not until I walked away and thought about what had happened. See... I am getting so bad! It's all Bobbie's fault! So, anywyas, I met the girls on Sunday over at the "Hickory Chip" (aka Carrow's). I am not going to go into detail about the lunch (although, I am sure Bobbie and Janel would just love me to) but I will tell you that I did tell them about me liking both sexes and they were all supportive and cool with it. Erica wasn't shocked, Yolie was so happy for me, Yvette was super excited, and I could tell Jenn was uncomfortable with it. All in all, it was a good day. After our early dinner we went over to Yolie's & Yvette's apartment (minus Miss Erica cause she left the restaraunt early) and we played dirty scrabble and uno. It was fun that for once we just hung around like in the "old days" and just basked in the fact that we were with each other and it didn't matter what we were doing.

On Monday, Bobbie and I went to AM/PM to buy refreshments and then we kicked it at her work (by the pool) and just talked. We seem to have to do that at least once a week where we just go someplace quiet and just talk and talk and let all of our stresses out. It's a cool thing to do. After I got home I ended up going over to meet someone I had met online (not in a bad-whorish way, just to say "what's up"). So I go over to his pad... and to make a long, ass story short... it turned out to be this guy that used to work with Bobbie and Erica and who was in a playwith me in college, and who was once the boyfriend of one of our other gay friends. I was like, why is this my life??? What a small world. A small at ironic world. A small, ironic, and kharmic world.

Yesterday, Bobbie and I decided to go grub at Michael J's Restraunt and have french toast and fetuccine (yes, we are dope like that! hmm!). Janel stopped by the restraunt later on that night so that we could all have a drama exchange session. Janel is very cool people, she meshes well with our personalities. Anyways, so we exhange our latest dramas and then we decided to go drive by St. Christopher's Church (where Bobbie and Rachel went to elementary school) to see the "Bramble Patch." Now I didn't know what to expect but the name alone was the dopest! Say it one time: "Bramble Patch" It rolls off your tongue so nicely. It makes me giggle (like how I used to always say "Jackie Chan!" to Bobbie and it would send her off cackling). So we went to the Bramble Patch and Janel and Bobbie began recalling times past. I never knew that Bobbie sang Madonna's "Justify My Love" to her crush in eighth grade... I am so glad that Janel filled me in on that tid bit... I am just so enthralled with that story... I love it. I can just picture her... think about it: "Wanting... Needing... For You... To Justofy My Love..." That's dope! After our Bramble Patching we all made dates with each other to go out on Friday and see "TripleX." Why? Two words: Vin Diesel.

Anyways, that has been what has been happening lately. There have been minor things affecting me as well. I got some news from a certain cousin of mine that is supposed to be on the D-L (Bobbie!!!!!!!) and it leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling. I am also contemplating on how much I should say in this journal from now on. Not about me, but about others. I never asked many of the people that I mention here (not like anyone except ourselves know who they are, lol!) if I could mention them. I just figured, this is about my undecided life, right? And they are a part of it, so I never even blinked an eye. Maybe I am too open and honest about shit, but this is my piece of the web, my vioce, so I dunno... I just think I am going to stick to vague names after this post. I hate doing it, but I do not want to invade anyone's privacy with my prose. Also, in un-related territory, have you read my dreambook lately? Well I have this lil' old friend of mine who has been trippin' (ohh, the drama). Now, I have these three friends (who shall remain anonymous becuase I do not want to advertise people's business to the world) who never seem to want to like ruffle each other's feathers (and they are all outspoken divas who have taught me to stand up for myself). I am not like that... sorry. If something is bothering me, I say it... or at least I type it and post it to the web, lol! Anyways, I just needed to clarify that before I say the following... I love all of my friends, especially all of mah girls. I'm sorry if I have ever made anyone uncomfortable with this whole "internet thing." I also have to say that, just because we haven't all hung out with each other lately and are doing our own things does not mean we are not all still one big happy group of friends holding hands. We all still love each other more than the rain drops and rainbows. For those who I haven't seen in awhile... I miss your asses and hope to talk to you soon! Well I am being really general in this because I need to be... it is my "new" thing here -- to be general.

Anyways, I really don't understand that last paragraph cuase I was rambling on and on... but whatever!

A friend of mine got her hair cut recently and I can't wait to see how cute it is.

I also hear that I need to check out the new reality TV show about Ana Nicole Smith. Yeah, I heard about the whole "Sugar Pie! Sugar Pie... Nasty... Nasty!" All I can say is: "Dope!" I wish I had cable... it's cool though, Janel said she would re-enact each episode for me.

Well that is about it. Other than that... here is a questionare that was sent to me both by Bobbie & Cris (errr.... I mean "B" & "C")... don't worry, these are my answers only cause I do not care that the world knows mah business, lol! Feel free to copy and paste them into an e-mail and send them to your peeps... their answers may shock you!

01. What is your full name?
brian christopher jaime

02. What song are you listening to right now?
actually, the question should be: what song are you burning onto a CD right now? the answer would be: "Woman to Woman" by miss Shirley Murdock!

03. What are the last four digits of your phone number?
ha! i'd bet you'd like to know!

04. What was the last thing you ate?
chef salad from pop's steak house! yummm!

05. What is the most annoying thing a person does to you?
when people invade my house and stay there 24/7 and just go into the fridge and help themselves, grab my remote, put their feet on the table, and take over my computer and be acting like it is their house and shit -- mah girls know who i am talkng about.

06. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
midnight blue

07. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon?
honeymoon? oh, you mean if i like went to another state and got married where it is legal? oh, then in that case, SPAIN! lol, just kidding -- about the whole other state thing... i would go to SPAIN on the real though.

08. Sun, rain, or snow?
rain is the dopest shit ever!

09. How is the weather right now?
currently it is cool here, but later it will get hottttt as hell -- it is cali, so you know how the damn weather is always and forever changing! (damn that global warming crap!)

10. Who's the last person that called you?
that called me? hmmm... Bobbie, to ask me if i wanted to go out and get some grub... that was yesterday.

11. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
opposite sex? hehehehehe... well with both sexes i notice their LIPS. With guys i notice their arms and with girls i notice their breasts.

12. Do you like the person that sent you this?
yea, i like both of them... Cris & Bobbie (I mean Berta, jk)

13. How are you today?
chillin'

14. Alcohol?
sometimes, yeah. here is what you do... get a blender... throw in some ice... add some lime-aide... add three shots of vodka... and half a can of beer... blend it all until it is the consistency of a margarita... and you have yourself a BULLFROGG... they are so dope... try it... try!

15. How do you eat an Oreo?
i eat all the cream first... i like cream... yummmmmmmm!

16. Favorite sport?
LOL! you're so funny, you're so funny, you're so funny!

17. What makes you happy?
long island ice teas... kidding, but they are dope, huh rachel? ummm... what makes me a happy camper? when my life is perfectly aligned -- it's been awhile.

19. Are u cute?
well, i know i am "sweet" -- well at least that is what 98% of the people who signed my high school yearbook called me.

20. Eye color?
brown

21. Height?
6'1

22. Do you wear contacts?
NO. i am supposed to wear glasses cause i can't see far, but they are such a fashion don't that i just prefer to go blind. laser surgery is a goal of mine.

23. Siblings and their Age?
god, you had to bring them up? well, i have two brothers - 17 and 19

24. What school did you attend?
well, i started my educational career at a very young age. i attended pre-school through kindergarten at Kids Unlimited in the city of Rowland Heights. from there, i transfered to St. Joseph's Elementary ("go Royals!") in La Puente where i completed eight years wearing nothing but cordouroy pants and oxford shirts everyday (this explains my hatred for cordouroy to this day.) after graduating from the eighth grade i then transfered to Bishop Amat Memorial High School ("go Lancers!"), also in La Puente, where i completed four drama-filled years wearing a preppy-inspired ensemble by the prestigous uniform company known as Sue Mills (my favorite piece of clothing being the canary yellow cardigan -- not! ew, gross! -- but why did i own one??? lol!) after my time at Amat was finished i wanted to go somewhere prestigous, somewhere known for its high quality academics and outstanding achievements in the areas of english, business, and the arts... i wanted to to attend a University that would allow me to live out my dreams, a place the represented the true bohemian qualities of quest for knowledge, thirst for adventure, and love of all that is artistic... but what i "wanted" and what i "got" were two different things... so i ended up registering at Mt. San Antonio College ("go Mounties! or Mountaineers! or whatever the hell we are called!") a junior college in Walnut. Seven years later... i am still there and currently battling the admissions department to allow me to take Spanish 2! Ahhhhh... well you didn't ask "which" school, so i listed them all. :o)

25. What religion are you?
currently i am Roman Catholic... but who knows, one day i might take a trip to Paris and come back with a new outlook on life... lol!

26. What do you like to do?
what kind of question is this? what do i like to do? huh? as in? okay, i like to eat, sleep, and shit... i think that about covers it.

28. What are your future goals?
(my short term goal is to tell whoever wrote this list that there is no number 27. am i the only one who noticed that it skips from 26 to 28? lol!) my goals are to: transfer soon, get a bangin' job, buy a new car (Yukon baby!), move out, sell my screenplays, get laser surgery on my eyes... there are too many! i am too goal oriented. i could make a list and fax it to you.

29. Fav music??
i love it all! just no Polkas, please! i DO NOT kick it Urkel style!

30. Fave movie?
take a breath,
ready, set, go...

"Dirty Dancing"
"Halloween"
the "Star Wars" Trilogy
"Elvira: Mistress of the Dark"
"Clueless"
"Evita"
"Strictly Ballroom"
"The Cutting Edge"
"A Nightmare on Elm St."
the "Evil Dead" trilogy
"The Craft"
"Vegas Vacation"
"Sister Act"
"Wild Things"
"Mafia!"
"Serial Mom"
the "SCREAM" trilogy
"Rocky Horror Picture Show"
"The Karate Kid"
"Back to the Future"
"The Others"

i could keep going... but I won't.

you're welcome.

31. Fave day of the year?
October 31st... HALLOWEEN!

32. Fav months?
September through December... FALL baby!

33. Do you like to dance?
sure

34. Are you shy to ask someone out?
it depends... did i meet them online?

35. Worst sickness you ever had?
ummm... the mystery sickness that i had when i was a kid. i remember being poked with like a dozen needles every day for like three weeks! it was a nightmare!

36. Do you like scary or happy movies?
what do you think? you know i love me some scary ass movies... but no Night Stalker -- hear me, Cristina?!!!!!!

37. On the phone or in person?
online

38.summer or winter?
winter

39. Hugs or kisses?
as lonng as they're chocolate

40. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
my body... i would take away my buddah belly and insert a six pack... hehehehehe! lol!

41. Book you've recently read?
the last book i read was Stephen King's "Everything's Eventual" -- i recommend it.

42. Ever been in love?
nope.

43. Do you want your friends to write back?
abso-freakin-lutely

45. Who is most likely to respond?
Rachel will... i have faith in her. ;o) (don't worry i won't tell anyone!)

2002-08-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Real Quick...

Just wanted to post this real quick...

The following are my answers to the latest Friday Five:

1. What is your lineage? Where are your ancestors from?
I am a mutt. I am Spanish, Mexican, French, and a little Azteca. I know I have some family in England somewhere, but I am not part English. Ummm... I count myself American first and foremost because I am like fourth generation.

2. Of those countries, which would you most like to visit?
I would like to visit Spain the most. My trip to Spain is definitely on my goals of things to accomplish. I have lond awaited exploring all of the castles, monestaries, museums, etc. that bare my family's name (Jaime). I have researched it and found that our family were kings and queens in Spain for quite awhile. It would be very interesting to visit all of those places where my ancestors originated from.

3. Which would you least like to visit? Why?
I would have to say England because I just have no desire. I would see more of the U.S. before I scurried of to jolly ol' London. :o)

4. Do you do anything during the year to celebrate or recognize your heritage?
Ummm... I celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I sing Los Mananitas on people's birthday's... I eat at El Toritos a lot... I listen to Spanish rock (aka Rock En Espanol)... ummm... I like hott latin guys and girls... hehehehehehe!

5. Who were the first ancestors to move to your present country (parents, grandparents, etc)?
I really dunno... my grandparents were born here and my great-grandparents... hell if I know.

2002-07-30T05:55:00.000-07:00

You're the good guys, right?

Family reunions... the epitomy of the opposite of "fun," the very essence of snoredom (being both bored and sleepy at the same time), the effervessence of a flavourless stick of gum, the boil in between a pair of rubbing legs, the clongomerate of cheek pinching and slaps on the back... and I went to one.

Although, this reunion that I went to (my mom's dad's family's side... err... my grandpa's family's side) wasn't as tooth pulling an event as I had previously thought it would be. It was actually quite good! I am actually looking forward to our next gathering! I met so many family members for the first time or since childhood at least. It is amazing what a bloodline can do to make people bond. I mean, several of us had never even met and we were instant family. It was really cool to get the feeling that we were so welcomed and they were happy to see that we made ourselves at home. Well, a gazillion new tias and tios later we were bidding our adieu's and planning our next get together. After the reunion, we went over to Auntie Gloria's flat to kick back for a minute or two. Her place is so cutesie! I love what she did with it! I adore her kitchen too! Such a quaint place her pad is. We even got to meet her lil' chihuahua "Sugar" who was the cutest minature version of the Taco Bell Dog and Godzilla morphed together -- in other words, the coolest little pooch in town! Well, as the night came to an end I was very tired so I opted to go home with my mom and dad and leave my car to my brother. I am such a nice guy that way. Even if my brother and I had had drama earlier that day and got into a fight and I told him how he was an asshole and I didn't blame Esther for dumping his ass... I still was nice enough to lend him my car... primarily because my cousin Elizabeth begged me, though.

Well, all that happened this last Sunday... a few days have gone by so I am going to condense it all into one post. My original plan was to make two posts -- one for Monday and Sunday and the other for Tuesday and Wednsday... but as my luck would have it... I had typed out a good sized post for Sunday and Monday and my computer freezes just as I was about to post the darn thing. I lost everything!!!! I was pissed! I was so pissed that I turned my computer off and haven't been back to finish it until now. I have channeled all my anger into the weenie con huevo (turkey hot dogs scrambled in eggs) I am currently consuming.

On Monday, Bobbie and I were supposed to go to Banna Bay for dessert (mmmmm, mango & sticky rice and thai custard toast!!!)but... drama at Bobbie's pad ensued and the next thing we knew we were sitting at the park and drinking Arizona Stress Relief Tea while Bobbie like smoked a dozen cigarros (cigarettes not cigars). Let me just say that the stress tea really works. We were like both so relaxed after we got our drink (not "drank") on and talked for awhile. It is so nice to just sit and talk about everything that is on our minds and this day it helped to calm our nerves as well. We even got visited by the po-po's (aka police, cops, black & whites...) who nicely asked us if were were "the good guys." The officer even asked if we ahd been drinking or if we were dopers. I just nodded "no" while Bobbie did all the talking - hey, Staci would have done the same damn thing too! LOL!

On Tuesday... errr... yesterday... Bobbie dragged Janel and I to the chamber sponsored Concerts in the Park featuring La Reyna De Los Angeles. We gladly went with her because, well hello, women mariachis -- what's not to love?? The concert was the dopest. Las Reynas sang so many songs that I had grown up hearing and so I was like emersed in the whole thing. It got even better when they busted out with some Selena songs. They even sang "Por Un Amor" which is one of my personal favorites. They ended up only singing like one song that Bobbie could understand... "My Guy" (yes the oldie but goody song). In the end it was so freakin' dope! Plus we sat with the Puente Hills Chamber people and they are so cool. I love Miss Maryanne! She is the dopest! Okay, let me digress for a second and educate you. Miss Maryanne is famous. Yup, she is. She used to host the children's television show "Romper Room." Do you remember it? I do! She used to hold her mirror up and look into it and say all the names of the kids she saw. I miss that show! She sent Bobbie and I autograph's and said that we were "Do Bees!" Anyways, back to the concert... the concert was great and there was an added bonus when I got to see Mr. Fine Ass Valley Vista Guy (I don't know his name, but he is so freakin' fine!).

Today, Bobbie took me with her to another Chamber event over in La Puente at some Stuff Bird or Duck or Cold Goose... I dunno the name of the business, but it was cool. Good food and good prizes all around. Bobbie won like three times all thanks to my arms (they sell the raffle tickets $5.00 for an arm length)! We had a lot of fun and I even got see a cute guy from Java N' Buds (some coffee shop). He had a bomb soul patch and cute dimples... not that I was really looking or anything. Anyways, after the chamber event we went to the movies to see "Men in Black II." What can I say about this flick? It wasn't bad, but it wasn't a great film either. I can't recommend that you rush out and see it immediately. I can recommend it as a DVD choice to rent.

In other news... I am very excited about Thursday... I will tell you all about it in my next post if it goes well. Either way I will tell you, but here's to hoping it goes well!!

Oh, and I needed to do this personal shout out before I go...

Personal Shout Out: Cristina!!!!! Moms!!!! I am here!!! We are here!!! We are not up to much lately... call us girl! We miss your ass and hate your schedule!!! Love-love!

P.S. The following are my answers to the latest Friday Five:

1. How long have you had a weblog?
I stumbled onto the whole blog phenomenon back at the beginning of 2002. That is when I started my first blog/journal entitled "Yadda, yadda, yadda..." I changed the look, layout and name some time after that to "Life Undecided" which is this blog!

2. What was your first post about?
My first blog post ever was about a chamber of commerce mixer and the movie "But I'm A Cheerleader."

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one?
One name change. One layout change. One location change. All that happened when I went from "Yadda, yadda, yadda..." to "Life Undecided" my current blog.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use?
I use blogger to manage and blogspot to host.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog?
Aren't journals and blogs the same thing? Well, no they aren't really.. cause I have other blogs that are not at all in journal format. So I would have to say "Yes!"

2002-07-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

Try-sexuality

When did being bisexual or gay become such a health concious epidemic? Was it in the eighties when I was like ten? I recently read an ad at the LA Times website (in the search bar type in "gay.com") about how online dating (especially at hip gay web portal gay.com) has become the new trend. It is officially the new bathhouse of the freakin' twenty first century. Gays and bisexuals are not searching the clubs, over-running the gyms, purusing adult theaters, going to gay bars, or visitng adult sex shops to find love, lust, or just a one night stand. Instead, they are turning to online websites, like gay.com, to find their potential "whatevers." Now, this is what the LA Times newspaper article tells us. It also goes on to tell that the spread of STDs among gay and bisexual men has increased since this new found route to the sack known as the internet and that men aren't seeming to mind. So I got a little scared by this notice. I made Bobbie read the article and she had a shit attack! I know for a fact that one of the guys I had had a "thing" with (okay, you can call it a booty call!) did in fact go to gay.com frequently. Of course, I didn't find this out until our last liasion when he decided to log on while I was getting dressed. After which, he proceeded to look for some dates online for later that night. Neddless to say, I told him to get lost. A few weeks later he asks me to be in a threesome. Unregretfully, I denied his request and haven't spoken to him since. I even went as far as to basically accuse my last "certain somebody" of going to gay.com (but he denied it and I believe him). Now, I HAVE been to gay.com but only to read some very entertaining articles by Dan Savage, a gay.com colomunist who writes the very witty blurb "Savage Love" in which he becomes the very essence of Dr. Ruth turned gay. He is every gay man's Ann Landers mixed with a bit of Dr. Laura and a pinch of Dr. Phil. In other words, he is very interesting to read. My point is, I have NEVER met anyone from gay.com but that is not to say that anyone I have ever been with (all four of them) haven't been there themselves or went there while I was seeing them.

That brings to question why is it that this is a "gay" thing (or as the article puts it "gay & bisexual" thing)? I mean guys and girls do the booty call thing all the time. What ever happened to romance and not sleeping together on the first date? Whatever happened to the first date? I mean do people even do that any more? I know that with the four guys that I have been with, we never went on an official date. The only date I ever even went on with that "certain somebody" was to "In N' Out" (appropriately named and very much a pun). Can that even be considered a date? I mean, I didn't even get nothing to eat and we went through the drive thru. I guess I have been on dates with guys. My only one real, true date was with a really nice guy who ended up being someone I was so incompatible with that I ended it there... plus he dropped a bombshell on me two weeks later that I just could not get over... but he was nice. I have made a command decision to only stick to dating from now on. If a guy likes me, he will have to date me to get me into bed. That will be the only way. Yeah. it seems easy enough to say but I am not as easy as I sound. I have an urge to hold onto this whole date rule becuase I am at a point where that is what I want. If you would ask me if I regret having sex with these four guys I would say no to three of them. The first three were great in the sack and I never looked at them as potentials. Does that make me whore-ish? I say NO! But, this last guy... I regret so much with him. I regret jumping into bed with him the first night we met. I regret not being more open about how I felt about him from the start. I regret not making it clearer as to what I really wanted. I regret not letting him find himself before giving him the third degree. I regret not giving him his space. I regret so many things. I regret writing those stupid emails that only made me seem like a lunatic who needs somebody more than they would like to admit because that is not me at all. I have never needed anyone romantically. I went through twenty four years of not needing anyone, why start now? I will need somebody eventually, but not in the way you are thinking. Rather, I am going to need somebody who needs me. One thing I have learned is that I am in no rush to find that person in anyway.

I basically gave up on girls during this last year and the year before that I was trying really hard to get over a major crush once and for all. I feel ready to be myself finally and tell the world, but not today. Just at my own pace and on my terms. I am not really giving up on the opposite sex but I am opening the door to the same sex. I am try-sexual ... I'll try anything once! Just kidding, I heard Kim Cattrell say that on "Sex and the City" last night and I thought it was dope. Bobbie and I had another marathon, this time with season three. I love that show! One of the shows seemed to speak directly to Bobbie and I. It was about bisexuality and whether or not bisexuality is just an excuse and a road to being gay (or Ricky Martin-ville as the show puts it) or if it is just opening one's self up to all the possibilites. I go with the second answer while Bobbie goes with the more traditional: gay or straight, just pick one! This is one thing that my dear friend can not comprehend. I think most people don't. I try so hard to make her see that I like girls and boys both. It drives me crazy that she wants labels. I hate labels! I told her that if it makes her feel any better that she can label me as bisexual for her purposes, but I know that deep down inside she sees me as gay becuase I have been with guys. She even calls me her gay husband (a la "Sex and the City"). It's okay though, I call her my straight wife so it is all good. The whole bisexual episode made me question my own sexuality. Am I just not picky enough and am I confused? I have gone through all this with myself many times before. No! I am not! I know me better than anyone. I know what turns me on and what turns me off. The only thing that matters is that I am in search of "the one" and whether it be a guy or a girl, I don't care... as long as he/she is intelligent, cute and on their way to find me sometime soon.

With all this talk of love versus lust and gay versus straight I needed to do some reflecting. I also reflected on what had just occurred within the last few days. I mean everything is adding up... the emails, the drama, the questioning bisexuality thing, and of course freindship. I received a very startling email from Jenn. last night and Bobbie couldn't blame her for her bitter sounding tone. I don't blame her either. I never meant to be such a bad friend and selfish hermit. I replied to her email explaining things in a round about way. I am planning to tell Jenn, Erica, Yolie, and Yvette about all of this very soon. I feel so bad at keeping them in the dark about this for as long as I have. I basically lied to Yoile cause I was scared. Not scared of them not accepting me. There is nothing I could do or say that would make those girls like me or love me any less. I know this for a fact and they remind me of it all the time. What I was afraid of was that Jenn would think that all that drama about me having that crush on her was not true when it really was. I don't want anyone doubting that for a minute. It took me a long time to deal with the fact that she would always be just my friend and that was that. I used to go to bed with tears in my eyes because of how un-good enough I felt. Now I look back at all that and can't help but feel so utterly ridiculous for letting myself get all worked up over it and letting it get in the way of friendship. I don't even know why I am worried about it now becuase I am so over that crush and I only see her as more of a friend and sister just like how I view the other girls. I just want to be careful at how I reveal myself to them. So far, they have only known one part of me. I don't want people, like Bobbie does, thinking that I am gay and that that is that. I might just end up with a girl! Who knows? Love is a tricky thing and it is also blind (so I hear). I am not gay, but, I am not straight either. If I need a "label" then bisexual is what fits me best. It has taken so long for me to come to terms with that fact, but now I am happy and ready to celebrate it. I am ready to live my life.

To end this rather long entry into what is quickly becoming a virtual "Sex in the Suburbs" (Bobbie and Rachel both think that my journal sounds so much like a gay version of "Sex and the City" -- but I started it before I even knew what the show was about so I guess I just write in the same style as Carrie does.). I leave you with this personality survey that was sent to me by Cristina. These are my responses. Feel free to copy and paste this baby into an email and answer the questions for yourself. Send them to friends and ask for them to reply. Their answers may shock you.

Hey read this and then fill it out yourself!...

1.Full Name: B C J
2.Nicknames: bri, bri bri, fatty, kooya, bonj, bonjing, mister, mr. b, mijo, etc.
3.Eyes: brown
4.Height: umm about 6'1
5.Hair: black because I haven't dyed it in awhile
6.Siblings: two brothers
7.Have you ever blacked out: technically, no
8.Birthday: sometime in march
10.Sign: pices (el fishy)
11.Where you live: in the SGV
12.Sex: male
13.Righty or lefty: righty

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I get to fill out both of the following sections! Neener-neener!

FOR GIRLS (or Brian) TO FILL OUT ABOUT THEIR IDEAL GUY:

14.Boxers or briefs: boxers (I agree with Cristina)
15.Long or short hair: no hair, you know I like baldies (again, I agree with Cristina, although hair is an option)
16.Tall or short: tall, like me
17.Six pack or muscular arms?: both are good, but a great personality beats both out any day
18.Good or bad guy: good guy attitude, bad boy look -- know what I mean?
19.Hat or no hat: no hats please!
21.Tan or fair: like tanning bed tan? gross! fair or naturally dark.
22.Freckles or none: well, freckles where exactly?
23.Stubble or neatly shaved: either, depending which he can pull off
24.Rugged or sportsy: again, see the above comment
25.Studly or cutie: yubbies! a combo of studly and cute! i think Cristina would agree with me on this one!
26.Accent or not: as long as they speak good english

FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT ABOUT THEIR IDEAL GIRL:

27.Boy shorts or bikini underwear: underoos, like Cameron Diaz wore in "Charlie's Angels"
28.Painted nails or not: either
29.Bra or sports bra: sports bra
30.Cute n'mysterious or Wild n' Sexy: cute n' mysterious
31.Dressy or casual: casual, like me
32.Dark or blonde: dark
33.Long or short hair: long
34.Dark or light eyes: light
35.Long or short nails: either
36.Hat or no hat: no hats! what is it with hats? damn!
37.Good or bad girl: a bad girl with a good girl look
38.Fat or thin: in da middle
39.Hair up or down: either, depending on the climate, lol
40.Jewelery or none: some, tongue rings are cool
41.Tall or short: in da middle, but not too short
42.Curly or straight hair: either... curly is a plus but straight is hot too
43.Pants or dress: dress
44.Tan or fair: either fair or a tropical beauty -- screw this fake tan b.s.
45.Freckles or none: none on the face
46.Pretty indoor chick or party chick: a combo... someone who meshes well
47.Prissy or grunge: in the middle, someone who can pull off either when appropriate
48.Accent or none: either, but accents on girls are cool... well, some accents on girls are cool

MISC. PREFERENCES

50.Chocolate or white milk: chocolate milk
51.Root beer or dr. pepper: neither -- 7uppers
52.Mud or jello wrestling: well, now, that depends -- am I in the match?
53.Sunshine or rain: rain!
54.Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
55.Skiing or Boarding: I'll WATCH either
56.Day or night: night
57.Summer or winter: winter - heat sucks!
58.Cake or pie: cherry or blueberry pie ala mode! but carrot or cheese cake is dope too!
59.Love or lust: well it depends, is it just a booty call or have they not taken their European sebatical yet?
60.Gold or silver: silver, no gold... because I am not Mr. Jim!
61.Diamond or pearl: cubic zarconia just like on HSC!

MISC. QUESTIONS

63.Have you ever gone skinny dipping: noope -- and scare the fish?
64.Do you sleep with stuffed animals: nope, but I have some in my room
65.Have you ever broke/sprained/fractured a bone: yes
66.Do you have any piercings: no no no! i hate needles dammit!
67.Do you Have a Tattoo: no no no! again, that whole hating needles thing comes to mind! although, a certain somebody was supposed to help me overcome that fear
68.Do you sing in the shower: and in the car, and everywhere in my house, and in Bobbie's car, and in store's playing music over their sound systems, and...
69.Expeirenced love at first sight: no, but lust at first sight is another question
70.Whats your favorite color and number: blue and the number 11
71.Whats your favorite band/station: boybad = westlife; station = 102.7, 104.3, 105.9, 106.7, 98.7, 99.1, and of course 107.1!!
72. What do you dream about: all kinds of weird shit! wait, are we talking daydreams or like dreams when I am asleep at night cause daydreaming is a hobbie of mine... nightmares are cool too!
73. Who are your friends: they know who they are!
74. Who is the loudest: BOBBIE!
75. Who's the quietest: Staci ("Yeah!")
76. Who do you tell your dreams to: ate
77. Do you want your friends to do this survey: abso-freakin'-lutely
78. Whats your favorite phrase?: "You think you know, but you have no idea!" ...that one and... "...that does not mean you are devalued in any way."
79. Whats the funniest thing you've heard these past few days?: "Does anyone want to taste my utensils?!" Janel and Bobbie know what I mean!
80. Whats your favorite flower: orchids because they are so pinoy style! huh, Bobbie and Rachel?

2002-07-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Man!

Oh man! What a freakin' day and night it has been. So much to tell you, it's not even funny. Well, the first thing is that my email got a reply. You know, the email that I sent to that "certain somebody?" Well, we have been emailing each other back and forth the last few days. It hasn't gone well at all. But at least now I have an answer, which kind of satisfied my curiosity and so I am not at all a wreck about things. I actually feel kind of happy. I spent the last few hours reflecting on things and I am like looking at myself like such a dumbass. Why do I let myself get like this? We'll just blame it all on Bobbie, Rachel, and Cristina... yeah. it's their fault! LOL! Kidding!

Well, the bottom line with this guy is that he needs time alone and basically talking to me is not a "priority" anymore. He had some sort of religous experience while in France (I dunno maybe at Fatima or Lourdes or something, lol) and now he is re-thinking his life and making changes. Which is sooo odd, cause just a week ago we were all joking around and Bobbie was like "he's probably gonna say he had some sort of religous experience or that he needs a change or something... I've heard that before." Well, now, so have I. The best part of all this is that I have gained some sort of confidence about myself in that I do not need this type of drama in my life. I have this horrible habit of trying to solve things and get to the bottom of them before I make a final decision. I need to work on that. Maybe if I would have just kept quiet and let him deal with his issues it would have all blown over. Like I told him, there are a lot of maybes in this world and we are the only ones that can make them come true. So, I don't want to reflect on maybes. What's done is done. I will definitely grow as a person and move on. I just can not comprehend how a person (ie. this guy) can think that by changing their name, lifestyle, friends, path, or whatever becuase of certain epiphanies they are some how changing their direction in life for the better. Sometimes the right direction is directly in front of us but we are just too blind or stupid or scared to see it. Maybe someday he will look back at all of this and regret it. I doubt that. I just hope he believes in kharma. I do. How do you think I got here?

Okay, enough about all that B.S. I need to get back to some sort of life that I was stupid enough to put on hold for all this crap. I am NEVER like this, ask anyone. I just went crazy-retarded for a second. Okay, I am back.

Well on the news front. I talked to Miss Erica today after I received a rather startling email from my long lost gal pal Jenn. It was more like a memo than anything. Very formal. Very weird. I heard it was a joke. I hope that Jenn is not too bitter at me because I have not been there for her recently. I feel bad. I know that she has had a lot to deal with recently. We all have. I have been going through so many changes and shit and this particular group of friends doesn't know about it. I feel like I have been bad at not telling them.. But I also feel justified since we are not as close as we once used to be. On that note, Miss Erica asked me to read the scriptures at her wedding. I have decided to do it. At first I was gonna let the bitterness of not being in her wedding eat me up inside and make me into this vengeful person. But I am not that way so I am going to do it. I hated the fact that everyone else was in her wedding except me. I felt like an outsider at her engagment party -- all of my friends up at the wedding party table and me, by myself in the corner. By now, you can tell that being by myself is beginning to become a theme. I hated the fact that when Jenn graduated from college and received a trip to Hawaii for her and her closest friends that I was not invited. I mean, I actually went to her graduation unlike some people. We were close dammit! I guess I started to hate them for that as well. I guess that is why I pulled away from them for the second time. The first time I pushed them out of my life was because I couldn't stand to look Jenn in the face or even be around her because I had liked her so much back then. The second time was becuase I resented them for not including me. But that was all in the past. I am different now. They are different now. Plus, life is too short to be worrying about petty things. Besides, it was refreshing talking to Miss Erica after so long. I miss all of them. We'll see what happens next...

All of this makes me appreciate my friendship with Bobbie even more. I know she would never do anything like that to me. Sometimes I feel like I depend on her too much. With everything I have been going through lately she has been a real pilar of strength. My friendship with her means so much to me and I am glad that I have known her for this long. Yes, I know we annoy the crap out of each other... but at least we care! Okay enough of the sappiness already!

Last night I went out with Bobbie and Janel. It was so much fun! We went to Hong Kong Palace and got really bad service! First I asked for utensils and the waiter brings me hot suace! Then we ask for forks and he brings us these big ass serving spoons! We laughed so hard! Only us! Then they forgot to bring us two of the dishes we had ordered... so we got our check and went to Banna Bay instead. We had the bombest deserts over there. I now fully recommend the Thai Custard Toast... it is to die for! I also got a chance to see Mr. Waiter who I always check out... and he was checking me out as well... I have witnesses. It was dope.

Well, that is enough drama and heart pouring for now. I am dead tired and drained of all energy. I am ready to start a new week and a new outlook on life in general. See, more than one person got a new outlook on life these last few weeks. And I didn't even need the plane ticket!

2002-07-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

Stupid Bitches On The Left!

Sometimes people can be so stupid. Take me, for instance. I am the King of Stupidville! I do things sometimes that I tend to regret later. I'll give you an example...

Just the other day I called somebody, after I had promised three of my girls that I wouldn't. This certain somebody gave me the cold shoulder once again. So, like a dumbass I write him an email. Not only do I pour my heart out in the dang email but I come off sounding like a pathetic, desperate, dumbass. Then, I go to the website of the place where he works to get his email address.. hello stalker! LOL! Me and my friends read the letter and they were like, "Brian! Why?! Even girls no better than this!"

Here's a sample outtake from that dreaded letter, just so that you can see the cheese factor of it all (start rolling your eyes please):

"Am I tripping over something that is no big deal? I mean, when we first talked you had said you were tired of all the games and that you were not into booty calls at all. I thought we were both looking for the same thing. Was I wrong? Was I just a booty call?"

See what I mean?! Rachel told me that it would feed his ego and then he would show it to his friends and be all like he is such a player and da man. I don't take him to be that type, but who knows. I know lots of people online and people talk... rumors fly. I heard some rumors recently that almost confirmed my suspicions that he was giving me the cold shoulder and trying to give the hint that he wanted nothing more. I guess the hardest part is not knowing exactly why. The truth is that if someone really likes who you are, they are not going to play games with you. I thought he really liked me and I really liked him. Maybe I was wrong. He hasn't replied to my email yet. Maybe he won't. Maybe I will never hear from him again. I hope not. But I am prepared for that. My friends all tell me to not even worry about it because he already dumped me basically, but that I am just too dick-matized to see it. We'll see... I hope he ends up proving everyone wrong. I hope.

Whatever! On to a new subject... I saw my girls tonite. All fours of us were in the same booth at the same time! Can you belive it?! That hasn't happened in a long ass while! Cris is doing good... she's been getting her groove on lately... hehehehehe... ain't trying to hate... nothing but love. Maybe I don't agree with who she is getting it on with, but I ain't gonna not support her. She's my girl and it is her decision, just like that! Hehehehehehehe, plus if the dick is good... ummm, you didn't hear me say that, k? I think she is dick-matized too and deep down she knows it. Hey, I can't say shit cause I know the feeling, lol!

Rachel is doing great as well. We laughed so much tonite it was hilarious. We kept reflecting on the past. About when we used to work at SpeedZone and how much fun it was back then. About how we thrived on drama back then cause the drama was fun and plus we didn't have to worry about shit. Life was so care free back then... what a difference a few years makes. Huh?

Bobbie had some men issues of her own recently... (huh, Staci? Staci be knowing... and Fiona too!) The question came up the other day about her refusal of flowers from a certain somebody. Is it wrong to refuse a gift like that? I dunno... I think it is perfectly okay. But I also think the guy should send them anyway. I mean it is sooooo obvious that they both like each other by now so just get it over with already, geesh! Isn't that right? I think all the home girls over at Quality Inn & Suites would agree with me! (And on a personal note, I give total props to Staci for sending that message and to Fiona for holding Bobbie down while Staci sent it! Way to go girls! Now that's what I call teamwork!)

Well it has been hard to get all this drama off of my mind.. you know which drama. I am the type of person that can shrug it off once I am sure of things... I just hate the not knowing for sure part. Luckily, I made an online friend recently who has been listening to all of my crap and my sob stories. He is really cool and he is younger than me, but whatever... age ain't nothing but a number! Anyways, I wanted to thank him for being such a good listener and friend and for cheering me up lately. Thanks Paul!

Well, that's about it for now... I hope next time I post I will have nothing but good news to spread. I'm crossing my fingers...

2002-07-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

Sauna vs. Stress

Hey there peeps.... it has been an interesting weekend. We celebrated my aunt's birthday like over the span of three days. It was dope. On Saturday my family went to Seal Beach to some credit union thingy that my dad was involved with at the navy base. I was supposed to go, but my car broke down! Dammit! I missed my dad getting dunked in the dunk tank! Lucky for me, my brother got it all on film! I am working on a film page that is like a picture gallery, except with videos, duh! Sony Image Station (which is the company that hosts my pics) is going to be doing it soon, so I will keep you updated so that you can see all of my home videos! Well only certain people will be able to see them... cause I am going to password protect that shit just in case my family and peeps get all bitter. I will fill you in on more info in the near future.

Oh yeah, so we went to Hometown Buffet for my aunt's birthday. It was cool. The food made me sick, though. Then we went over to my aunt's house to chill on her deck. It was so relaxing! I love her backyard! It's soooo.... tropical! It was definitely a good night and was very relaxing. Then, last night we had an even more relaxing night. We went back to my aunt's house and got in her jacuzzi! Yeah, suana, baby! We all had a great time! I hadn't been in a sauna or a pool in a long time and boy was it a relief! Especially with the view of the city we had. Only one word can describe it.... DOPE!

All the sauna commotion actually got my mind off of "him" for a minute... or two. I didn't really think about the fact that he still hasn't called me this whole week he has been back from Paris! Pooh on him! LOL - I said "pooh," how gay! I am not bitter, however. I am just disappointed cause I have really wanted to see him lately. Oh-humm, it reminds me of "Sex and the City." Bobbie and I had a "Sex and the City" marathon the other night (cause she bought season 2 on DVD - it is dope!) and in one of the episodes they talk about having a relationship just based on the sex and nothing more. I just kept on thinking that I hope that that is not what is happening with me. Do I regret having done things on our first night? Maybe. Time will tell. Would I do it differently? No, cause if it were meant to be, then it will become. I hope it will become. For now, I have sworn off calling him until he calls me. I have already made two attempts and now the ball is in his court. I hope he goes for a three pointer. I guess I will just have to sit around and wait... and when I can't take it anymore, I will just go for a drive... with Bobbie... to get ice cream... and pad se ew... and... wait did I just say pad se ew? I'm all better now! Pad se ew cheers me up everytime! Especially when we dine in for it!

2002-07-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

Feeling BLAH!

Okay, so I am thinking I should just give a certain someone the link to this page so that he can see how I have been stressing lately! But I have decided against it. Not because this page is embarassing, in fact I love this page! I am very proud of it! Although, I don't know what others think. No one leaves me any feedback! Why? I have a guestbook (aka dreambook) and only one person (Cristina! Thanks moms!) has signed it so far. And I have those nifty little "comments" at the bottom of each blog so that you can comment on each posting. All you have to do is click where it says "comments (0)" at the end of each post and you can tell me what you think of that post! Doesn't anybody care? Doesn't anybody love me??? Nobody loves me, nobody cares, nobody buys me peaches & pears! Is anybody even listening???? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!

Okay, so back to the main thing I was talking about... oh yeah, so I don't want to give him the link just yet cuase I am not sure where we stand and then I'll just end up looking like an idiot if he wants something different. What do you think? Click on the comments link and let me know...

On the same topic, he got back from Paris Tuesday night/Wendsday morning. I called him on Tuesday and left a message. What sucks is that my cellie (aka cell phone) got disconnected (cause I am poor) and that was my main communication with him. But, I trust him, and so in the message I left him, I explained everything and gave him my home phone number... that feat alone is daring for me. Another thing that sucks is... me! Just kidding! What I meant to say is that another thing that sucks is the fact that I don't have long distance service at home, so I can't call him (he lives out in another area code by LAX). So, now I just have to sit around and wait for him to call me! And the anticipation is killing me. Why do I feel that way? I mean really, I shouldn't be sitting around waiting and hoping for some guy to call me... at least that's what my girl Rachel told me. But he isn't just "some guy" (quit smirking Bobbie and Staci!). Okay, I admit that I really like him. Maybe I will give him this URL, just so that he'll know... or I could just tell him -- that could work too!

Changing lanes...

I just joined this Friday Five thing where you are asked five questions and answer them so that the people reading your blog will get to know you more, so here goes...

1. Where were you born?
I was born in Long Beach, CA -- surf's up doodes!!

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not?
My family moved away from there when I was one year old. We moved to West Covina, CA which is approximately 40 mins. away from Long Beach. I don't think I would want to move back to the LBC, I like the SGV way too much already!

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest?
There are a few places that make me feel safe, for example: my house, my grandma's house, my aunt sandy's house, bobbie's house, & Las Veags just to name a few.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled?
Hellz nah! Here is where I have been to: Las Vegas, Palm Springs, Tijuana, Ensenada, San Fransisco & Monterey & all of Northern Cali, San Diego, Big Bear, Lake Tahoe, Phoenix... see, everything is within driving distance. I have never even flown, baby!

and finally...

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been?
(*See the above answer, lol!) I would have to say that our trip to Monterey, CA to see the aquarium was very, very interesting.

In other news, I watched "Lilo & Stitch" last night! I went to the movies with Bobbie and her two godchildren Erica and Angelica. They are the cutest little girls ever! So yeah, we watched the Disney flick. It was good. A cute movie. The only thing, is that we all felt so tired after the movie. It was a short movie too! Erica said that it must have hypnotized us. I think she's right.

Anyways, I have to go for now... my brother wants to use the computer to finish Rachel's fraternity's logo... and since she's mah girl...

2002-07-15T04:56:00.000-07:00

Michael Myers & Pad Se Ew

I am getting back to my blog after this long weekend. It was cool though.

I had a hard day full of dramas this last Friday. I don't want to get into it here, but the quick run down is: picked up Bobbie and her bro from the airport and had to borrow my mom's van since my dad was out of town with my car. So, I had to drop off and pick up my mom at her work which is like forty miles away. To say the least, there were dramas that day.

I ended up watching "Halloween: Resurrection" all by lonesome that night. It is such a great movie! I loved it! Busta Rhymes was dope and so was sexy Michael Myers. But I did see it all ALONE! My mom fell asleep, my dad was out of town, one of my brothers was going out with one of my cousins to play Counter Strike, my other brother got home with his friends and since they didn't want to go he stayed cool and declined my invite, Bobbie had a headache, and Cristina didn't call me ALLLLLLLL week -- that's weak! (Hehehehehehehe, kidding! I know she was hard working the late shift, so she had good reason not to.) So I went ALONE. I don't mind it though. Shoot, last year I went to Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors all alone because no one wanted to go with me. I don't let things like going alone stop me from doing stuff I like. I guess I am a loner that way. I still had fun at the movies too. The packed theater and hyped up audience were very cool. I always watch "Halloween" movies the first day they come out because the audience is so lively and hyper then. So, yeah, the movie rocked. I even think it was better than the last one, "Halloween: H20." But I wouldn't tell Jamie Lee Curtis that.

One thing that did get to me was a comment that one of my brother's friends made. When I said I was going all ALONE, he commented that he would never do that. He said that that would make him a loser. He said that it was lame. He just wouldn't go. Afterwards I thought about it. Am I a loser? I mean, yeah it is geeky going to a horror movie all ALONE because you want to see it opening night, but does that also make me a loser? And even more so, am I lame? It kind of depressed me. But then I got over it and figured, "Hey, I really wanted to go and so why should I let the fact that no one wanted to go with me stop me from seeing this movie that I happen to be a huge fan of?" That's like going along with the "crowd." My brother really wanted to see it, but because his friends called it a lame movie he acted cool and said he couldn't go. His friends made his decision for him. Now to me, that is what's lame! What I came up with was that where most people are followers and always trying to do the "cool" thing, I am an individual who is trying to do his own thing. So I started feeling sorry for my brother and his friends and that basically took my mind off of my geeky lameness.

On Saturday, Bobbie and I went to watch my cousin Anthony perform in "The Wizard of Oz" for community theater. It was a good show! Nice costumes and especially when my cousin came out dressed as a jitter bug! I loved it. That definitely beat out the time I was in "Romeo & Juliet" over at MTSAC and had to wear white tights and knickers. After the show, we decided to go to the movies and see "Halloween: Resurrection" (hey I'll see it over and over again). But we were late to the show so we decided to go eat some Thai food over at Banna Bay in Rowland Heights. The food there is so freakin' yum! We always order Pad Se Ew (just trust me), Chicken Satay with extra peanut sauce and cucumbers, and White Rice. So it turned out to be a good evening. I even got to check out this fine ass asain guy that I usually exchange glances with. Bobbie always rolls her eyes and makes faces. I didn't say I wanted to hook up with him! Nope! Besides, looking isn't creeping! Right? Anyways, I am still waiting for a certain somebody to get back from France on Tuesday. Hope I see him real soon after that.

This brings me to today. I just got back from the movies. Bobbie and I went to see none other than "Halloween: Resurrection." Cris was supposed to go, but... so yeah, I saw it for a second time. It's really good. I highly recommend it!

In other news, I got a poem published at the MyersMuseum.com. It is entitled "The Shape" and is about the "Halloween" series not including "Halloween: Resurrection" cause I hadn't seen it yet. If you want to check it out, click on one of the pics below. The first one is of me as Dr. Loomis in "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers" an the second one is of my cuz Anthony as Tyra Banks in "Halloween: Resurrection."

2002-07-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Tragically Going Insane...

Here is what my horror--scope for July said:

Your Pisces Horoscope for July.

July gets off to a great start -- you can accomplish the goals you couldn't quite reach last month. Your ambitious attitude continues on the 4th and 5th, but take care not to rush ahead before you have all of the details in place -- thoroughness is a valuable characteristic through the 8th. Your curiosity makes you explore new things on the 9th and 10th, but you will have difficulty making choices on these days; it might be a good idea for you to stay away from restaurants with extensive menus or theaters that are showing more than one movie you want to see, Pisces! Your uncharacteristically outgoing personality makes you the life of the party on the 13th and 14th, but this probably won't be a role you're comfortable with for long -- you're more than happy to go back to being your anonymous, quiet self on the 15th and 16th. You can muster up the courage it takes to assert yourself on the 20th and 21st, and you should begin to see the rewards of this positive action through the end of the month, especially when it involves work matters.

Horoscope courtesy of: Horoscopes @ Swirve.com

See... even the psychics think I can't make up my mind!!!

Quote of the day:

"Put that on your barrio, eh!" (long, long story that I do not wish to go into here...)

Movie quote of the day:

"Ahhhhhh, why you leave me?" (from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" which I give ten toes and ten fingers up!)

Well, I know I haven't been online lately... for like a week or so... that is long for me! Anyways, I haven't been up to much lately except being sooo lonely, hehehehehe. I took Bobbie to the airport last Friday. Her brother and her are off to Vegas for a fun-filled week! I am picking them up tommorrow morning. My certain somebody is away as well, like I had said earlier. He won't be back until Tuesday. So I have been basically kicking it by myself. Cristina? Where have you been???? Why!!!!!?????

So, yeah, I am also on the job hunt and have three good jobs lined up. They are all city jobs and I know I said I never wanted to work in an office again and especially in a government office, but I gave in cause I need some money, like now. Hehehehehehe, so I am giving in to the green eyed monster. Wait, is the green eyed monster jealousy or money? Or is it greed? I dunno, but I am referring to money. I need it. To quote that great eighties song by the Flying Lizards, "The best things in life are free. But you can give them to the birds and bees! I want MONEY! That's what I want!"

Anyways, gotta go for now dear journal readers (aka Bobbie, Cristina, Staci & Rachel -- LOL! J/K!) catch up with you laterz dawgs...

BTW, I have a new photo gallery set up through Sony ImageStation. It's pretty cool. I have lots of albums already set up. The link is in the galleries section of the page or click on the pic below.

...and SweetDreams!

Check it out!

Lates...

2002-07-03T03:20:00.000-07:00

Hold These Nuts!

It has been a long day for me. Wait, let me take a quick breath...

...okay I'm back! Why the hell is it so hot over here in LA County lately? I hate the heat! I am drinking so much water that my piss is clear! Damn!

Today I went with Bobbie, her bro Chris, and Staci to run some errands and then we grubbed over at Claim Jumpers for happy hour. We are ghetto fabulous that way. Yup, yup happy hour over there rules! Staci and Bobbie treated us to some bomb ass food and shit!Thanks ladies! It was totally yum! Let me just take this time to fully recommend the barbeque chicken pizza! The highlight of the meal is when I got to eat Staci's cheese and then two of her cherries BABY! They where nice and firm and round and tender. I love to make Staci blush! She's so freakin sexy when she's all red like a tomato and shit, but in a sexless kind of way! Today I made her blush when we heard a guy fart aloud. It was bomb! Here is how it all went down:

Bobbie:                 Just get a chair already!
Me:                       No, I'm fine. I like standing. Standing is dope. It is so underrated.
                             [Then I squat next to Bobbie and Staci]
                             [Someone farts somewhere across the room. It is loud and obnoxious.]
All Three Of Us:  [Insert cackling here.]
Me:                       I'm sorry that was me. I'm squatting so I couldn't help it.
Staci:                    [Insert cackling here.] [Her face goes pitch red.]
Bobbie:                 But it came from the other side of the room.
Me:                       I'm a ventriloquist farter!
All Three Of Us:  [Insert more cackling here.] [Staci is still red. Mission accomplished!]

After lunch we went back to the ho-ho (BTW, "ho-ho" {pronounced ho-ho} is slang for "hotel") so that they could clock out.

Later that night Bobbie and I went to visit Tita Babes. Tita Babes is the coolest tita ever! She rocks! Bobbie and I can spend hours over her pad just chilling, relaxing, and talking with her. So we went for a visit. Tita Babes was telling Bobbie about the show "Queer As Folk" which they both love so much. (I don't know anything about it since I don't have cable.) Tita Babes was telling Bobbie that two of the guys on their are crazy! In her words: "All dey do is fuk! There is no lub only fuking! Fuking, fuking, fuking!" We were busting up. We also busted up when we discovered that Bobbie is the gatekeeper (aka gozer) and I am the key master. Don't ask!

Here is the quote of the day: "But this toaster is sooooooo shiney!"

Again, don't ask!

Well the night has been fun and decision free. The only decision I had to make today was whether or not to go to Tita Babes' house and that one is pretty easy to answer! We were so productive today that we even have a new and secret hand shake. First we say "Hold these nuts..." and then we do the hand shake. It is the dopest shit ever!

In other news, I talked to my guy the other day. He had gone out of town (he was in Texas for the weekend -- hey, I hear only two things come out of Texas... queers and steers and I don't see any horns on your head! lol!) and was back and so he called me to talk. He is such a cutie. He is leaving again this Friday for Paris and won't be back until the 16th! I wish I could see him before he leaves! He told me not to creep while he was gone. I had a big ol' Chuck E. Cheese smile across my face when he said that. I wouldn't creep on him -- I like him too much. He better not creep on me over in Paris or I am going to have to kick some French ass! Kidding! Relax, it ain't even like that! One thing is for sure, I am going to be all over him when he gets back, booty call or not! I wanna rub that bald head! Hehehehehehehehe...

My best friend and my guy (can I call him my guy? I dunno, let's just call him my "interest" -- lol) are leaving me next week! I am going to be alone! Just me and Cristina (who is working nights now so I am going to be alone)!

Post script:

I am required to make a correction from my last posts. Bobbie has informed that "philipino" is not spelled with a "ph" but with a "f", thus "filipino." I asked her why then if the Philipenese spelled with a "PH" anf not a "F." She did not answer my question. Anyways, from now on I will use Fffffffffffffffilipino rather than philipino (even though we all know which is grammatically correct, [wink, wink]). Maybe I'll just use "pinoy" instead. I dunno...

:o)

2002-07-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

I Went For A Walk

I just thought I'd share with you something I wrote online. It makes no sense whatsoever but I thought it was hilarious! I am such a dork! There is a website called StoryFun which is brought to you by the folks over at MIT. It is like madlibs. It asks you for different parts of speech and then makes a story from your answers. This thing is so much fun!

This is my story:

I went for a walk

Yesterday, I went out walking, and somehow ended up in a fountain. I saw orchids and cats -- it was weird! But I started getting vury hungry, and needed to find my way home. But no matter where I meant, I couldn't see the path. I decided to go around the serene money up ahead, and discovered that it led back home! I was warned. At dinner, when I told my spirutual story, my angels looked at me with broke-ass expressions. Then they forbade me from ever waiting again.

Anyways, it isn't much of a post, but it will have to do for now.

2002-06-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dreaming Of Pierogi & Salad

Yesterday my best friend Bobbie told me that she had a dream in which Cristina and I had gone to visit her at her new apartment (actually she still lives at home with her moms and pops, but in her dream she had a new apartment, but I guess that is how we can tell she was dreaming, huh? lol, kidding!). Anyways, back to the bonjang dream (BTW, "bonjang" {pronounced boan-jaang} is philipino for daddy's girl or big girl in a diaper, hehehehe)... so Cristina and I go to visit Bobbie and she welcomes us in. We find her cooking. She is making salad and pierogi (fried dumpling-like things -- they're good, trust me). Then she wakes up. Dream over. How bizzare is that? So we analyzed her dream a bit. I don't know whether it was becuase she had been craving those little pierogi things lately, or if she went to bed hungry, or if there was some other subliminal message underlying the dream. I am now thinking that deep down she associates Cristina and I with food and thus the food dream. But, why a new apartment? Why did the dream end with her cooking? I mean, did we get to actually eat the tasty treats? I just can't decide. Great! Now my brain hurts! Leave me some comments after this entry and let me know what you think Bobbie's dream really meant.

Onto other pastures of thought... I am now writing at two other blogs, so please check them out. The first one is called Utter Madness and chronicles the yong adulthood of a fictional character. It is written in episodic format and a new episode comes out every Tuesday. It is a brand new endeavor on my part and hopefully it will gain some kind of following. I hope! {crossing fingers} The second is called The Unstopable Art-Tease which is a collective of artists, musicians, and writers that are sharing their experiences with the world. I am a contributor their so check it out man! Plus, you can still check out my ongoing A Little Taste Of Interp which is a splattering of different mediums of interpretive literature that I find interesting. I post poetry, prose, lyrics, script excerpts, non-fiction, and other types of interpretive literature that I come across and think is clever.

What else has happened since my last post? Oh! I went shopping today with my mom. We went to Target and to Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-TJ Maxx. I bought some shorts -- you know me, I am Mr. Shorts! I don't care if it is raining, I'd still be in shorts! I love shorts! I also got this really cute pair of Mossimo sandals! They are black. I know I need a new pair of sandals like I need a hole in the head, but they were calling my name.

Here's what I can't figure out though, how come MJ can't tell that Peter Parker and SpiderMan have the same voice? I would be able to tell. Oh yeah, I saw Spiderman last night at DownTownDisney with Bobbie. It was a cool flick although I missed the scene with Macy Gray cause I was taking a shit. Damn chipwich! Did you see Spidey's CGI ass? Now that is a fake ass I'd... nevermind... it was so funny, at the end of the movie {attention: if you haven't seen the movie, the following is a spoiler! but seriously, who hasn't seen it yet?} when Peter tells MJ that all he can be is her "friend" I leaned over and Bobbie and I had the following exchange of verbage:

Me:        "Damn he just gave up some fine-ass white-trash pussy! He straight walked away!"
Bobbie:  "Yeah, to find me..."
Me:        "No, no darling. He wears tights. I think he's looking for me!"
Both:      [insert cackling here]

2002-06-28T03:05:00.000-07:00

For Mah Gurls

I am reminded of the quote "Don't look at me in that tone of voice!"

Yes, I saw "The Divine Order of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" the other day. Actually I saw it before "Minority Report" but forgot to mention it. I was trying to decide what to write about tonight, and after I couldn't decide on a topic I thought "Ya-Ya!" The movie was a great flick. A chick flick yes, but nevertheless great. I think gay and/or "bisexual" guys would like it too. I mean come on, playing dress up and drinking out of fancy goblets with five of your bestest friends. Which gay guy wouldn't love that? But since I am not gay... or bisexual.. or straight I wouldn't know. Yeah, go ahead and roll your eyes (Bobbie!) but the fact is I prefer to be unclassified. I go where the wind takes me. Boy... girl... it's all good. And belive me, it is ALL good. I know what makes the blood rush and what gets the water flowing through the pipes if you know what I mean. Hehehehehehe...

So, anyways, back to the topic at hand. What was that topic again? Oh yeah, the quote. Well, I picked this quote from a plethora of great quotes that the "Ya-Ya's" say throughout their movie. It reminds me of all the times my dad would be saying something and my mom would reply "You don't have to yell at me!" And then dad would reply back, "I'm not yelling! That's the way I talk!" It makes me laugh out loud to this day! I come from a family of loud speakers, which would explain my rather mousey voice! I hate my voice! I can't decide whether it resembles more of a squeeling pig or Peter Brady during puberty. Ask my best friend and I am sure she will tell you that it is way too feminine. Even that "certain somebody" noticed it, but he thought it was cute so I like it now. But I still hate it. No I like it. Whatever!

On the topic of looks, have you ever been talking to someone and during the conversation really strived to concentrate on the look on their face? There are certain people who I love to just look at. My mom, my brother Jason, my best friend Bobbie, my moms Cristina, and my cousin Sharon all give the best facial expressions ever! I love em'! They are bomb to just watch. As they talk there is always a crinkle of a nose or a curl of the lip. I guess I am more voyeuristic than I originally thought. I try to not over-analyze facial expressions, though. They do leave you wondering why someone made a cartain face or frowned or smiled when and the way they did. Maybe they made a certain face for no reason other than a reflex action? I am going to do an experiment and watch my ates (ate {pronounced ahhh-teh} is tagalogue {philipino} for sister) Bobbie & Cristina this weekend. I will study their facial expressions as we chat and I will report back my findings of anything unusual.

As for descion making situations that I have had recently... well, none really. It was my cousin's birthday today (BTW ~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARON!~~ she is one year younger than me! slut! j/k!) and so we had to decide which restaraunt to go to for her dinner becuase she could not decide -- it runs in the blood I tell you. So we ended up going to Alcapulcos over at Puente Hills Mall. We chose that location over, say, Chilis or Fridays because when the waiters at Alcapulcos sing "Los Mananitas" and "Happy Birthday" they always sing "happy birthday panchita!" and we get a kick out of it! Hilarious! I also had to decide whether or not I should join some gay webrings and post their links on my page. I figured that since I "like" guys (especially yubbies -- if you're ever in the 626 -- kidding), then why not. It is nothing to be ashamed of, plus mah gurls would get a kick out of it. It is more for them than me really. You can find them throughout the page. There are some on the left, some on the right, and some way at the bottom if you scroll down. Go ahead and SCROLL! LOL! All the sites I am endorsing here I have either joined or fully support. In other words, they are dope! Check em' out!

So yeah this post and those links are dedicated to Bobbie, Crisitina, & Rachel! Oh, and to Staci too cause she is Bobbie's third tit aka diary.

2002-06-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

Guys Are Like That

As Celine Dione would sing "A New Day Has Come" and what a new day it has been. Today I had to make some minor decisions like what movie to see and whether or not I should call a certain somebody. Where should I begin?

It all started on a hot, steammy Friday night. Last Friday night to be exact. Do you ever get that feeling that what you have come to expect is not really what is going to happen? I had this kind of rude awakening on that musty Friday night. Being the proverbial Hamlet that I am and aways questioning the cirumstances around me I did just that. Except I wasn't asking "To be or not to be?" It was more like "To booty call or not to booty call? That is the question!" Now I happen to have a teensy weensy bit of personal attraction and feeling for a certain somebody and I was hoping he would feel the same way in return. Since we are new to each other I decided not to trip out and just go with the flow. The flow has been leading to booty calls aka "dates"! So Friday night I decided to go ahead and go to his pad and "hang out." Thus... the booty call. But was it? I mean, he did fall asleep afterward and then ask me to leave. But he was tired and had had a long day at work. So let's just cut him some slack for now. Neverhteless, I had a crumby feeling inside so I immediately called my Bess Prend Bobbie to tell her everything. Bobbie told me that "guys are like that." But I am a guy and I am not like that! Well, maybe I have been like that in the past but you can't hold that against me! Can you?

While karma got the best of me, I was pondering the rest of the week whether or not to call him up. So I did. That was yesterday. I talked to him for a few precious moments and then... he was busy... he would have to give me a call back. Arggggg! He did what he promised, but I didn't answer the phone (I was washing my hair!). This brings me to today. I called him from the movie theater where I had gone to watch a movie (duh!). We only talked for some brief minutes and then hung up. I get a knot in my throat every time I talk to him. Hell, you should see me when I am with him in person. Can you say Milton (the guy from "Office Space")? What if I say something so lame that I scare him off? Maybe I already did just that. He is going out of town this weekend so at least I will be free of the pressure of the booty call... until next week that is , hehehehehehehe.

In other news... I saw the Cruise/Speilberg flick "Minority Report" tonight. What can I say? I was trying to decide between that and "The Bourne Identity". I am glad that I went with my first instinct. It is a very good and well written & directed sci-fi/mystery/action/thriller movie. The sequences were fun to watch and had everyone on the edge of their seats! The movie makes me ponder two things, though. The first is whether or not psychic powers will be the wave of the future for justice, truth, & the American way? And, secondly, whether or not future science will find away to once again rip up us of our humanity and infringe upon our right to privacy? Science fiction never fails to amaze me.

It is so late now. Must sleep. Must rest my eyes. Until science fiction finds away to let me stay up 24/7... you think that could happen? Oh well, you know me, I can never decide.

2002-06-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

Ambivolent By Nature

Hi, welcome to Life Undecided. My name is Brian and this is my virtual journal. Not a journal so to speak, but more like a splattering of my thoughts on things that have happened to me in which I have to make a decision. You know, the "drama." A decison is something that could change your life drastically or on the other hand it could have no effect whatsoever other than giving you a new perspective or outlook. They shape other people's opinion's of you and can affect your attitudes on life as well. People learn from decisions everyday through trial and error and I am no exception. You may be asking yourself "Why 'Life Undecided' for the title of a blog? Well it all stems from my attitude on life. I am not particular, eventhough I am picky. I just can't make up my mind! For example, I hate going to the donut shop! All those different varieties of donuts just sitting there tempting your palette and whispering to your tummy "Pick me! Pick me!" Then you pick one and go to eat it when you discover that the one your friend chose looks so much tastier. While this is just an analogy, it happens all the time to me in particular. I just can't decide on anything. It's a curse that I will document for you here on Life Undecided.

It's not that I am not picky or I just don't care. Believe me I am and I do. I am just not sure of myself sometimes. I am always debating things like what my favorite movie or song is (as you can see I have thirteen listed and I just can't narrow it down to one). Or, what I want to do for a living. Major in Business? Or in English? Be an accountant? Or go for my dream and make movies? Hmmmm... many questions to ponder. Like, car or SUV ? Move out or live at home for another year? Stay 24 forever? Gay, Bi, or Str8? Top or bottom? Sex or no sex? Girls or boys? Does "he" love me or does "he" love me not? Or "she" for that matter... When should I start losing the pounds? Tongue ring or too painful for one? Red meat or just chicken and fish? Is it me or does Meg Ryan look tired? Tube socks or ankle socks? Tan or blue or both?

I just can't make up my mind! I know I'm not confused or crazy either. I'm ambivolent. That's it! I'm ambivolent and quite frankly it is starting to piss me off!

Like that!