The Bramble Patch

Well, it has been like four or five days since I last posted the dramas of my life. And as you may guess, a lot has happened in the past four days to warrant a blog as thick as the Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times.

Well for starters, I never did end up having that great Thirsday like I was hoping for. Things just never panned out... not in a bad way, just in a bad timing way... I had car troubles -- which is the sotry of my life!!! On Friday... you know what? I can't even remember that far back right now. Let me think... well to recap the last couple of days is going to be hard on my brain so I will give you a general idea in no particular order.

Friday night I am pretty sure that I went out with Bobbie somwhere, but I can't remember where right now... I am sure she will comment and refresh my memory. On Saturday I went out to the movies with my mom and pop to see the movie "Signs" starring Mel Gibson (my mom likes Mel... I am like, yeah, he was good to look at like fifteen years ago... anyways...). Let me just say that M. Night Shamalalalmnama... whatever his name is... did it again! Such a disappointment!!!! I can not recommend this movie as a great flick. It is below average, but not too bad. It is definitely better than M. Night's previous two flicks "The 6th Sense" and "Unbreakable" in that it did give you an eerie feeling in some parts. What made the movie suck was the ending. M. Night always screws up his endings and leaves the audience asking "Is that it?" I would not call this movie a movie about aliens, but rather a movie about a man who needs to re-find his faith in order to survive. Once again, Night goes for a "moral of the story" ending rather than a thrilling conclusion. It was depressing to watch. So after wasting $6.50 on that crap, we met up with Bobbie who happened to be at the same movie theater watching a different movie (and no Cristina, my mom & dad are not our third "clique" -- lol!). Bobbie came over my pad later that night and we went out to Norm's to have coffee and check out all the fine mens that were out in Whittier. To our dismay we did not get our usual waiter... the mayor of Brute-ville, the Old Spice spokesman, Mr. AquaVelva himself. We were sad. :o(

As Sunday rolled around I was feeling really nervous. I had talked to Yvette and Yolie the day before and had promised them to meet for lunch the next day. I knew this would be the day that I came out to them about my bisexuality. Jenn and Erica would also be there and so there was added nervousness. I have known these girls for awhile now and I hope I do not freak them out with my new and improved sens of identity. I guess I am getting so used to being out with it and so comfortable with myself that I am starting to forget that I am still half way in the closet about some of this stuff. It just feels so liberating at times. The other day I was over at MTSAC and I saw this cute guy walk by and I said, aloud, "Damn!" as I watched him walk away. Other people heard me and I wasn't embarassed really -- well not until I walked away and thought about what had happened. See... I am getting so bad! It's all Bobbie's fault! So, anywyas, I met the girls on Sunday over at the "Hickory Chip" (aka Carrow's). I am not going to go into detail about the lunch (although, I am sure Bobbie and Janel would just love me to) but I will tell you that I did tell them about me liking both sexes and they were all supportive and cool with it. Erica wasn't shocked, Yolie was so happy for me, Yvette was super excited, and I could tell Jenn was uncomfortable with it. All in all, it was a good day. After our early dinner we went over to Yolie's & Yvette's apartment (minus Miss Erica cause she left the restaraunt early) and we played dirty scrabble and uno. It was fun that for once we just hung around like in the "old days" and just basked in the fact that we were with each other and it didn't matter what we were doing.

On Monday, Bobbie and I went to AM/PM to buy refreshments and then we kicked it at her work (by the pool) and just talked. We seem to have to do that at least once a week where we just go someplace quiet and just talk and talk and let all of our stresses out. It's a cool thing to do. After I got home I ended up going over to meet someone I had met online (not in a bad-whorish way, just to say "what's up"). So I go over to his pad... and to make a long, ass story short... it turned out to be this guy that used to work with Bobbie and Erica and who was in a playwith me in college, and who was once the boyfriend of one of our other gay friends. I was like, why is this my life??? What a small world. A small at ironic world. A small, ironic, and kharmic world.

Yesterday, Bobbie and I decided to go grub at Michael J's Restraunt and have french toast and fetuccine (yes, we are dope like that! hmm!). Janel stopped by the restraunt later on that night so that we could all have a drama exchange session. Janel is very cool people, she meshes well with our personalities. Anyways, so we exhange our latest dramas and then we decided to go drive by St. Christopher's Church (where Bobbie and Rachel went to elementary school) to see the "Bramble Patch." Now I didn't know what to expect but the name alone was the dopest! Say it one time: "Bramble Patch" It rolls off your tongue so nicely. It makes me giggle (like how I used to always say "Jackie Chan!" to Bobbie and it would send her off cackling). So we went to the Bramble Patch and Janel and Bobbie began recalling times past. I never knew that Bobbie sang Madonna's "Justify My Love" to her crush in eighth grade... I am so glad that Janel filled me in on that tid bit... I am just so enthralled with that story... I love it. I can just picture her... think about it: "Wanting... Needing... For You... To Justofy My Love..." That's dope! After our Bramble Patching we all made dates with each other to go out on Friday and see "TripleX." Why? Two words: Vin Diesel.

Anyways, that has been what has been happening lately. There have been minor things affecting me as well. I got some news from a certain cousin of mine that is supposed to be on the D-L (Bobbie!!!!!!!) and it leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling. I am also contemplating on how much I should say in this journal from now on. Not about me, but about others. I never asked many of the people that I mention here (not like anyone except ourselves know who they are, lol!) if I could mention them. I just figured, this is about my undecided life, right? And they are a part of it, so I never even blinked an eye. Maybe I am too open and honest about shit, but this is my piece of the web, my vioce, so I dunno... I just think I am going to stick to vague names after this post. I hate doing it, but I do not want to invade anyone's privacy with my prose. Also, in un-related territory, have you read my dreambook lately? Well I have this lil' old friend of mine who has been trippin' (ohh, the drama). Now, I have these three friends (who shall remain anonymous becuase I do not want to advertise people's business to the world) who never seem to want to like ruffle each other's feathers (and they are all outspoken divas who have taught me to stand up for myself). I am not like that... sorry. If something is bothering me, I say it... or at least I type it and post it to the web, lol! Anyways, I just needed to clarify that before I say the following... I love all of my friends, especially all of mah girls. I'm sorry if I have ever made anyone uncomfortable with this whole "internet thing." I also have to say that, just because we haven't all hung out with each other lately and are doing our own things does not mean we are not all still one big happy group of friends holding hands. We all still love each other more than the rain drops and rainbows. For those who I haven't seen in awhile... I miss your asses and hope to talk to you soon! Well I am being really general in this because I need to be... it is my "new" thing here -- to be general.

Anyways, I really don't understand that last paragraph cuase I was rambling on and on... but whatever!

A friend of mine got her hair cut recently and I can't wait to see how cute it is.

I also hear that I need to check out the new reality TV show about Ana Nicole Smith. Yeah, I heard about the whole "Sugar Pie! Sugar Pie... Nasty... Nasty!" All I can say is: "Dope!" I wish I had cable... it's cool though, Janel said she would re-enact each episode for me.

Well that is about it. Other than that... here is a questionare that was sent to me both by Bobbie & Cris (errr.... I mean "B" & "C")... don't worry, these are my answers only cause I do not care that the world knows mah business, lol! Feel free to copy and paste them into an e-mail and send them to your peeps... their answers may shock you!


01. What is your full name?
brian christopher jaime

02. What song are you listening to right now?
actually, the question should be: what song are you burning onto a CD right now? the answer would be: "Woman to Woman" by miss Shirley Murdock!

03. What are the last four digits of your phone number?
ha! i'd bet you'd like to know!

04. What was the last thing you ate?
chef salad from pop's steak house! yummm!

05. What is the most annoying thing a person does to you?
when people invade my house and stay there 24/7 and just go into the fridge and help themselves, grab my remote, put their feet on the table, and take over my computer and be acting like it is their house and shit -- mah girls know who i am talkng about.

06. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
midnight blue

07. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon?
honeymoon? oh, you mean if i like went to another state and got married where it is legal? oh, then in that case, SPAIN! lol, just kidding -- about the whole other state thing... i would go to SPAIN on the real though.


08. Sun, rain, or snow?
rain is the dopest shit ever!

09. How is the weather right now?
currently it is cool here, but later it will get hottttt as hell -- it is cali, so you know how the damn weather is always and forever changing! (damn that global warming crap!)

10. Who's the last person that called you?
that called me? hmmm... Bobbie, to ask me if i wanted to go out and get some grub... that was yesterday.

11. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
opposite sex? hehehehehe... well with both sexes i notice their LIPS. With guys i notice their arms and with girls i notice their breasts.

12. Do you like the person that sent you this?
yea, i like both of them... Cris & Bobbie (I mean Berta, jk)

13. How are you today?
chillin'

14. Alcohol?
sometimes, yeah. here is what you do... get a blender... throw in some ice... add some lime-aide... add three shots of vodka... and half a can of beer... blend it all until it is the consistency of a margarita... and you have yourself a BULLFROGG... they are so dope... try it... try!

15. How do you eat an Oreo?
i eat all the cream first... i like cream... yummmmmmmm!

16. Favorite sport?
LOL! you're so funny, you're so funny, you're so funny!

17. What makes you happy?
long island ice teas... kidding, but they are dope, huh rachel? ummm... what makes me a happy camper? when my life is perfectly aligned -- it's been awhile.

19. Are u cute?
well, i know i am "sweet" -- well at least that is what 98% of the people who signed my high school yearbook called me.

20. Eye color?
brown

21. Height?
6'1

22. Do you wear contacts?
NO. i am supposed to wear glasses cause i can't see far, but they are such a fashion don't that i just prefer to go blind. laser surgery is a goal of mine.

23. Siblings and their Age?
god, you had to bring them up? well, i have two brothers - 17 and 19

24. What school did you attend?
well, i started my educational career at a very young age. i attended pre-school through kindergarten at Kids Unlimited in the city of Rowland Heights. from there, i transfered to St. Joseph's Elementary ("go Royals!") in La Puente where i completed eight years wearing nothing but cordouroy pants and oxford shirts everyday (this explains my hatred for cordouroy to this day.) after graduating from the eighth grade i then transfered to Bishop Amat Memorial High School ("go Lancers!"), also in La Puente, where i completed four drama-filled years wearing a preppy-inspired ensemble by the prestigous uniform company known as Sue Mills (my favorite piece of clothing being the canary yellow cardigan -- not! ew, gross! -- but why did i own one??? lol!) after my time at Amat was finished i wanted to go somewhere prestigous, somewhere known for its high quality academics and outstanding achievements in the areas of english, business, and the arts... i wanted to to attend a University that would allow me to live out my dreams, a place the represented the true bohemian qualities of quest for knowledge, thirst for adventure, and love of all that is artistic... but what i "wanted" and what i "got" were two different things... so i ended up registering at Mt. San Antonio College ("go Mounties! or Mountaineers! or whatever the hell we are called!") a junior college in Walnut. Seven years later... i am still there and currently battling the admissions department to allow me to take Spanish 2! Ahhhhh... well you didn't ask "which" school, so i listed them all. :o)

25. What religion are you?
currently i am Roman Catholic... but who knows, one day i might take a trip to Paris and come back with a new outlook on life... lol!

26. What do you like to do?
what kind of question is this? what do i like to do? huh? as in? okay, i like to eat, sleep, and shit... i think that about covers it.

28. What are your future goals?
(my short term goal is to tell whoever wrote this list that there is no number 27. am i the only one who noticed that it skips from 26 to 28? lol!) my goals are to: transfer soon, get a bangin' job, buy a new car (Yukon baby!), move out, sell my screenplays, get laser surgery on my eyes... there are too many! i am too goal oriented. i could make a list and fax it to you.

29. Fav music??
i love it all! just no Polkas, please! i DO NOT kick it Urkel style!

30. Fave movie?
take a breath,
ready, set, go...

"Dirty Dancing"
"Halloween"
the "Star Wars" Trilogy
"Elvira: Mistress of the Dark"
"Clueless"
"Evita"
"Strictly Ballroom"
"The Cutting Edge"
"A Nightmare on Elm St."
the "Evil Dead" trilogy
"The Craft"
"Vegas Vacation"
"Sister Act"
"Wild Things"
"Mafia!"
"Serial Mom"
the "SCREAM" trilogy
"Rocky Horror Picture Show"
"The Karate Kid"
"Back to the Future"
"The Others"

i could keep going... but I won't.

you're welcome.


31. Fave day of the year?
October 31st... HALLOWEEN!

32. Fav months?
September through December... FALL baby!

33. Do you like to dance?
sure

34. Are you shy to ask someone out?
it depends... did i meet them online?

35. Worst sickness you ever had?
ummm... the mystery sickness that i had when i was a kid. i remember being poked with like a dozen needles every day for like three weeks! it was a nightmare!

36. Do you like scary or happy movies?
what do you think? you know i love me some scary ass movies... but no Night Stalker -- hear me, Cristina?!!!!!!

37. On the phone or in person?
online

38.summer or winter?
winter

39. Hugs or kisses?
as lonng as they're chocolate

40. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
my body... i would take away my buddah belly and insert a six pack... hehehehehe! lol!

41. Book you've recently read?
the last book i read was Stephen King's "Everything's Eventual" -- i recommend it.

42. Ever been in love?
nope.

43. Do you want your friends to write back?
abso-freakin-lutely

45. Who is most likely to respond?
Rachel will... i have faith in her. ;o) (don't worry i won't tell anyone!)

Real Quick...

Just wanted to post this real quick...

The following are my answers to the latest Friday Five:


1. What is your lineage? Where are your ancestors from?
I am a mutt. I am Spanish, Mexican, French, and a little Azteca. I know I have some family in England somewhere, but I am not part English. Ummm... I count myself American first and foremost because I am like fourth generation.

2. Of those countries, which would you most like to visit?
I would like to visit Spain the most. My trip to Spain is definitely on my goals of things to accomplish. I have lond awaited exploring all of the castles, monestaries, museums, etc. that bare my family's name (Jaime). I have researched it and found that our family were kings and queens in Spain for quite awhile. It would be very interesting to visit all of those places where my ancestors originated from.


3. Which would you least like to visit? Why?
I would have to say England because I just have no desire. I would see more of the U.S. before I scurried of to jolly ol' London. :o)

4. Do you do anything during the year to celebrate or recognize your heritage?
Ummm... I celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I sing Los Mananitas on people's birthday's... I eat at El Toritos a lot... I listen to Spanish rock (aka Rock En Espanol)... ummm... I like hott latin guys and girls... hehehehehehe!

5. Who were the first ancestors to move to your present country (parents, grandparents, etc)?
I really dunno... my grandparents were born here and my great-grandparents... hell if I know.

You're the good guys, right?

Family reunions... the epitomy of the opposite of "fun," the very essence of snoredom (being both bored and sleepy at the same time), the effervessence of a flavourless stick of gum, the boil in between a pair of rubbing legs, the clongomerate of cheek pinching and slaps on the back... and I went to one.

Although, this reunion that I went to (my mom's dad's family's side... err... my grandpa's family's side) wasn't as tooth pulling an event as I had previously thought it would be. It was actually quite good! I am actually looking forward to our next gathering! I met so many family members for the first time or since childhood at least. It is amazing what a bloodline can do to make people bond. I mean, several of us had never even met and we were instant family. It was really cool to get the feeling that we were so welcomed and they were happy to see that we made ourselves at home. Well, a gazillion new tias and tios later we were bidding our adieu's and planning our next get together. After the reunion, we went over to Auntie Gloria's flat to kick back for a minute or two. Her place is so cutesie! I love what she did with it! I adore her kitchen too! Such a quaint place her pad is. We even got to meet her lil' chihuahua "Sugar" who was the cutest minature version of the Taco Bell Dog and Godzilla morphed together -- in other words, the coolest little pooch in town! Well, as the night came to an end I was very tired so I opted to go home with my mom and dad and leave my car to my brother. I am such a nice guy that way. Even if my brother and I had had drama earlier that day and got into a fight and I told him how he was an asshole and I didn't blame Esther for dumping his ass... I still was nice enough to lend him my car... primarily because my cousin Elizabeth begged me, though.

Well, all that happened this last Sunday... a few days have gone by so I am going to condense it all into one post. My original plan was to make two posts -- one for Monday and Sunday and the other for Tuesday and Wednsday... but as my luck would have it... I had typed out a good sized post for Sunday and Monday and my computer freezes just as I was about to post the darn thing. I lost everything!!!! I was pissed! I was so pissed that I turned my computer off and haven't been back to finish it until now. I have channeled all my anger into the weenie con huevo (turkey hot dogs scrambled in eggs) I am currently consuming.

On Monday, Bobbie and I were supposed to go to Banna Bay for dessert (mmmmm, mango & sticky rice and thai custard toast!!!)but... drama at Bobbie's pad ensued and the next thing we knew we were sitting at the park and drinking Arizona Stress Relief Tea while Bobbie like smoked a dozen cigarros (cigarettes not cigars). Let me just say that the stress tea really works. We were like both so relaxed after we got our drink (not "drank") on and talked for awhile. It is so nice to just sit and talk about everything that is on our minds and this day it helped to calm our nerves as well. We even got visited by the po-po's (aka police, cops, black & whites...) who nicely asked us if were were "the good guys." The officer even asked if we ahd been drinking or if we were dopers. I just nodded "no" while Bobbie did all the talking - hey, Staci would have done the same damn thing too! LOL!

On Tuesday... errr... yesterday... Bobbie dragged Janel and I to the chamber sponsored Concerts in the Park featuring La Reyna De Los Angeles. We gladly went with her because, well hello, women mariachis -- what's not to love?? The concert was the dopest. Las Reynas sang so many songs that I had grown up hearing and so I was like emersed in the whole thing. It got even better when they busted out with some Selena songs. They even sang "Por Un Amor" which is one of my personal favorites. They ended up only singing like one song that Bobbie could understand... "My Guy" (yes the oldie but goody song). In the end it was so freakin' dope! Plus we sat with the Puente Hills Chamber people and they are so cool. I love Miss Maryanne! She is the dopest! Okay, let me digress for a second and educate you. Miss Maryanne is famous. Yup, she is. She used to host the children's television show "Romper Room." Do you remember it? I do! She used to hold her mirror up and look into it and say all the names of the kids she saw. I miss that show! She sent Bobbie and I autograph's and said that we were "Do Bees!" Anyways, back to the concert... the concert was great and there was an added bonus when I got to see Mr. Fine Ass Valley Vista Guy (I don't know his name, but he is so freakin' fine!).

Today, Bobbie took me with her to another Chamber event over in La Puente at some Stuff Bird or Duck or Cold Goose... I dunno the name of the business, but it was cool. Good food and good prizes all around. Bobbie won like three times all thanks to my arms (they sell the raffle tickets $5.00 for an arm length)! We had a lot of fun and I even got see a cute guy from Java N' Buds (some coffee shop). He had a bomb soul patch and cute dimples... not that I was really looking or anything. Anyways, after the chamber event we went to the movies to see "Men in Black II." What can I say about this flick? It wasn't bad, but it wasn't a great film either. I can't recommend that you rush out and see it immediately. I can recommend it as a DVD choice to rent.

In other news... I am very excited about Thursday... I will tell you all about it in my next post if it goes well. Either way I will tell you, but here's to hoping it goes well!!

Oh, and I needed to do this personal shout out before I go...

Personal Shout Out: Cristina!!!!! Moms!!!! I am here!!! We are here!!! We are not up to much lately... call us girl! We miss your ass and hate your schedule!!! Love-love!


P.S. The following are my answers to the latest Friday Five:

1. How long have you had a weblog?
I stumbled onto the whole blog phenomenon back at the beginning of 2002. That is when I started my first blog/journal entitled "Yadda, yadda, yadda..." I changed the look, layout and name some time after that to "Life Undecided" which is this blog!

2. What was your first post about?
My first blog post ever was about a chamber of commerce mixer and the movie "But I'm A Cheerleader."

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one?
One name change. One layout change. One location change. All that happened when I went from "Yadda, yadda, yadda..." to "Life Undecided" my current blog.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use?
I use blogger to manage and blogspot to host.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog?
Aren't journals and blogs the same thing? Well, no they aren't really.. cause I have other blogs that are not at all in journal format. So I would have to say "Yes!"

Try-sexuality

When did being bisexual or gay become such a health concious epidemic? Was it in the eighties when I was like ten? I recently read an ad at the LA Times website (in the search bar type in "gay.com") about how online dating (especially at hip gay web portal gay.com) has become the new trend. It is officially the new bathhouse of the freakin' twenty first century. Gays and bisexuals are not searching the clubs, over-running the gyms, purusing adult theaters, going to gay bars, or visitng adult sex shops to find love, lust, or just a one night stand. Instead, they are turning to online websites, like gay.com, to find their potential "whatevers." Now, this is what the LA Times newspaper article tells us. It also goes on to tell that the spread of STDs among gay and bisexual men has increased since this new found route to the sack known as the internet and that men aren't seeming to mind. So I got a little scared by this notice. I made Bobbie read the article and she had a shit attack! I know for a fact that one of the guys I had had a "thing" with (okay, you can call it a booty call!) did in fact go to gay.com frequently. Of course, I didn't find this out until our last liasion when he decided to log on while I was getting dressed. After which, he proceeded to look for some dates online for later that night. Neddless to say, I told him to get lost. A few weeks later he asks me to be in a threesome. Unregretfully, I denied his request and haven't spoken to him since. I even went as far as to basically accuse my last "certain somebody" of going to gay.com (but he denied it and I believe him). Now, I HAVE been to gay.com but only to read some very entertaining articles by Dan Savage, a gay.com colomunist who writes the very witty blurb "Savage Love" in which he becomes the very essence of Dr. Ruth turned gay. He is every gay man's Ann Landers mixed with a bit of Dr. Laura and a pinch of Dr. Phil. In other words, he is very interesting to read. My point is, I have NEVER met anyone from gay.com but that is not to say that anyone I have ever been with (all four of them) haven't been there themselves or went there while I was seeing them.

That brings to question why is it that this is a "gay" thing (or as the article puts it "gay & bisexual" thing)? I mean guys and girls do the booty call thing all the time. What ever happened to romance and not sleeping together on the first date? Whatever happened to the first date? I mean do people even do that any more? I know that with the four guys that I have been with, we never went on an official date. The only date I ever even went on with that "certain somebody" was to "In N' Out" (appropriately named and very much a pun). Can that even be considered a date? I mean, I didn't even get nothing to eat and we went through the drive thru. I guess I have been on dates with guys. My only one real, true date was with a really nice guy who ended up being someone I was so incompatible with that I ended it there... plus he dropped a bombshell on me two weeks later that I just could not get over... but he was nice. I have made a command decision to only stick to dating from now on. If a guy likes me, he will have to date me to get me into bed. That will be the only way. Yeah. it seems easy enough to say but I am not as easy as I sound. I have an urge to hold onto this whole date rule becuase I am at a point where that is what I want. If you would ask me if I regret having sex with these four guys I would say no to three of them. The first three were great in the sack and I never looked at them as potentials. Does that make me whore-ish? I say NO! But, this last guy... I regret so much with him. I regret jumping into bed with him the first night we met. I regret not being more open about how I felt about him from the start. I regret not making it clearer as to what I really wanted. I regret not letting him find himself before giving him the third degree. I regret not giving him his space. I regret so many things. I regret writing those stupid emails that only made me seem like a lunatic who needs somebody more than they would like to admit because that is not me at all. I have never needed anyone romantically. I went through twenty four years of not needing anyone, why start now? I will need somebody eventually, but not in the way you are thinking. Rather, I am going to need somebody who needs me. One thing I have learned is that I am in no rush to find that person in anyway.

I basically gave up on girls during this last year and the year before that I was trying really hard to get over a major crush once and for all. I feel ready to be myself finally and tell the world, but not today. Just at my own pace and on my terms. I am not really giving up on the opposite sex but I am opening the door to the same sex. I am try-sexual ... I'll try anything once! Just kidding, I heard Kim Cattrell say that on "Sex and the City" last night and I thought it was dope. Bobbie and I had another marathon, this time with season three. I love that show! One of the shows seemed to speak directly to Bobbie and I. It was about bisexuality and whether or not bisexuality is just an excuse and a road to being gay (or Ricky Martin-ville as the show puts it) or if it is just opening one's self up to all the possibilites. I go with the second answer while Bobbie goes with the more traditional: gay or straight, just pick one! This is one thing that my dear friend can not comprehend. I think most people don't. I try so hard to make her see that I like girls and boys both. It drives me crazy that she wants labels. I hate labels! I told her that if it makes her feel any better that she can label me as bisexual for her purposes, but I know that deep down inside she sees me as gay becuase I have been with guys. She even calls me her gay husband (a la "Sex and the City"). It's okay though, I call her my straight wife so it is all good. The whole bisexual episode made me question my own sexuality. Am I just not picky enough and am I confused? I have gone through all this with myself many times before. No! I am not! I know me better than anyone. I know what turns me on and what turns me off. The only thing that matters is that I am in search of "the one" and whether it be a guy or a girl, I don't care... as long as he/she is intelligent, cute and on their way to find me sometime soon.

With all this talk of love versus lust and gay versus straight I needed to do some reflecting. I also reflected on what had just occurred within the last few days. I mean everything is adding up... the emails, the drama, the questioning bisexuality thing, and of course freindship. I received a very startling email from Jenn. last night and Bobbie couldn't blame her for her bitter sounding tone. I don't blame her either. I never meant to be such a bad friend and selfish hermit. I replied to her email explaining things in a round about way. I am planning to tell Jenn, Erica, Yolie, and Yvette about all of this very soon. I feel so bad at keeping them in the dark about this for as long as I have. I basically lied to Yoile cause I was scared. Not scared of them not accepting me. There is nothing I could do or say that would make those girls like me or love me any less. I know this for a fact and they remind me of it all the time. What I was afraid of was that Jenn would think that all that drama about me having that crush on her was not true when it really was. I don't want anyone doubting that for a minute. It took me a long time to deal with the fact that she would always be just my friend and that was that. I used to go to bed with tears in my eyes because of how un-good enough I felt. Now I look back at all that and can't help but feel so utterly ridiculous for letting myself get all worked up over it and letting it get in the way of friendship. I don't even know why I am worried about it now becuase I am so over that crush and I only see her as more of a friend and sister just like how I view the other girls. I just want to be careful at how I reveal myself to them. So far, they have only known one part of me. I don't want people, like Bobbie does, thinking that I am gay and that that is that. I might just end up with a girl! Who knows? Love is a tricky thing and it is also blind (so I hear). I am not gay, but, I am not straight either. If I need a "label" then bisexual is what fits me best. It has taken so long for me to come to terms with that fact, but now I am happy and ready to celebrate it. I am ready to live my life.

To end this rather long entry into what is quickly becoming a virtual "Sex in the Suburbs" (Bobbie and Rachel both think that my journal sounds so much like a gay version of "Sex and the City" -- but I started it before I even knew what the show was about so I guess I just write in the same style as Carrie does.). I leave you with this personality survey that was sent to me by Cristina. These are my responses. Feel free to copy and paste this baby into an email and answer the questions for yourself. Send them to friends and ask for them to reply. Their answers may shock you.


Hey read this and then fill it out yourself!...

1.Full Name: B C J
2.Nicknames: bri, bri bri, fatty, kooya, bonj, bonjing, mister, mr. b, mijo, etc.
3.Eyes: brown
4.Height: umm about 6'1
5.Hair: black because I haven't dyed it in awhile
6.Siblings: two brothers
7.Have you ever blacked out: technically, no
8.Birthday: sometime in march
10.Sign: pices (el fishy)
11.Where you live: in the SGV
12.Sex: male
13.Righty or lefty: righty


Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I get to fill out both of the following sections! Neener-neener!

FOR GIRLS (or Brian) TO FILL OUT ABOUT THEIR IDEAL GUY:

14.Boxers or briefs: boxers (I agree with Cristina)
15.Long or short hair: no hair, you know I like baldies (again, I agree with Cristina, although hair is an option)
16.Tall or short: tall, like me
17.Six pack or muscular arms?: both are good, but a great personality beats both out any day
18.Good or bad guy: good guy attitude, bad boy look -- know what I mean?
19.Hat or no hat: no hats please!
21.Tan or fair: like tanning bed tan? gross! fair or naturally dark.
22.Freckles or none: well, freckles where exactly?
23.Stubble or neatly shaved: either, depending which he can pull off
24.Rugged or sportsy: again, see the above comment
25.Studly or cutie: yubbies! a combo of studly and cute! i think Cristina would agree with me on this one!
26.Accent or not: as long as they speak good english

FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT ABOUT THEIR IDEAL GIRL:

27.Boy shorts or bikini underwear: underoos, like Cameron Diaz wore in "Charlie's Angels"
28.Painted nails or not: either
29.Bra or sports bra: sports bra
30.Cute n'mysterious or Wild n' Sexy: cute n' mysterious
31.Dressy or casual: casual, like me
32.Dark or blonde: dark
33.Long or short hair: long
34.Dark or light eyes: light
35.Long or short nails: either
36.Hat or no hat: no hats! what is it with hats? damn!
37.Good or bad girl: a bad girl with a good girl look
38.Fat or thin: in da middle
39.Hair up or down: either, depending on the climate, lol
40.Jewelery or none: some, tongue rings are cool
41.Tall or short: in da middle, but not too short
42.Curly or straight hair: either... curly is a plus but straight is hot too
43.Pants or dress: dress
44.Tan or fair: either fair or a tropical beauty -- screw this fake tan b.s.
45.Freckles or none: none on the face
46.Pretty indoor chick or party chick: a combo... someone who meshes well
47.Prissy or grunge: in the middle, someone who can pull off either when appropriate
48.Accent or none: either, but accents on girls are cool... well, some accents on girls are cool

MISC. PREFERENCES

50.Chocolate or white milk: chocolate milk
51.Root beer or dr. pepper: neither -- 7uppers
52.Mud or jello wrestling: well, now, that depends -- am I in the match?
53.Sunshine or rain: rain!
54.Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
55.Skiing or Boarding: I'll WATCH either
56.Day or night: night
57.Summer or winter: winter - heat sucks!
58.Cake or pie: cherry or blueberry pie ala mode! but carrot or cheese cake is dope too!
59.Love or lust: well it depends, is it just a booty call or have they not taken their European sebatical yet?
60.Gold or silver: silver, no gold... because I am not Mr. Jim!
61.Diamond or pearl: cubic zarconia just like on HSC!

MISC. QUESTIONS

63.Have you ever gone skinny dipping: noope -- and scare the fish?
64.Do you sleep with stuffed animals: nope, but I have some in my room
65.Have you ever broke/sprained/fractured a bone: yes
66.Do you have any piercings: no no no! i hate needles dammit!
67.Do you Have a Tattoo: no no no! again, that whole hating needles thing comes to mind! although, a certain somebody was supposed to help me overcome that fear
68.Do you sing in the shower: and in the car, and everywhere in my house, and in Bobbie's car, and in store's playing music over their sound systems, and...
69.Expeirenced love at first sight: no, but lust at first sight is another question
70.Whats your favorite color and number: blue and the number 11
71.Whats your favorite band/station: boybad = westlife; station = 102.7, 104.3, 105.9, 106.7, 98.7, 99.1, and of course 107.1!!
72. What do you dream about: all kinds of weird shit! wait, are we talking daydreams or like dreams when I am asleep at night cause daydreaming is a hobbie of mine... nightmares are cool too!
73. Who are your friends: they know who they are!
74. Who is the loudest: BOBBIE!
75. Who's the quietest: Staci ("Yeah!")
76. Who do you tell your dreams to: ate
77. Do you want your friends to do this survey: abso-freakin'-lutely
78. Whats your favorite phrase?: "You think you know, but you have no idea!" ...that one and... "...that does not mean you are devalued in any way."
79. Whats the funniest thing you've heard these past few days?: "Does anyone want to taste my utensils?!" Janel and Bobbie know what I mean!
80. Whats your favorite flower: orchids because they are so pinoy style! huh, Bobbie and Rachel?

Oh Man!

Oh man! What a freakin' day and night it has been. So much to tell you, it's not even funny. Well, the first thing is that my email got a reply. You know, the email that I sent to that "certain somebody?" Well, we have been emailing each other back and forth the last few days. It hasn't gone well at all. But at least now I have an answer, which kind of satisfied my curiosity and so I am not at all a wreck about things. I actually feel kind of happy. I spent the last few hours reflecting on things and I am like looking at myself like such a dumbass. Why do I let myself get like this? We'll just blame it all on Bobbie, Rachel, and Cristina... yeah. it's their fault! LOL! Kidding!

Well, the bottom line with this guy is that he needs time alone and basically talking to me is not a "priority" anymore. He had some sort of religous experience while in France (I dunno maybe at Fatima or Lourdes or something, lol) and now he is re-thinking his life and making changes. Which is sooo odd, cause just a week ago we were all joking around and Bobbie was like "he's probably gonna say he had some sort of religous experience or that he needs a change or something... I've heard that before." Well, now, so have I. The best part of all this is that I have gained some sort of confidence about myself in that I do not need this type of drama in my life. I have this horrible habit of trying to solve things and get to the bottom of them before I make a final decision. I need to work on that. Maybe if I would have just kept quiet and let him deal with his issues it would have all blown over. Like I told him, there are a lot of maybes in this world and we are the only ones that can make them come true. So, I don't want to reflect on maybes. What's done is done. I will definitely grow as a person and move on. I just can not comprehend how a person (ie. this guy) can think that by changing their name, lifestyle, friends, path, or whatever becuase of certain epiphanies they are some how changing their direction in life for the better. Sometimes the right direction is directly in front of us but we are just too blind or stupid or scared to see it. Maybe someday he will look back at all of this and regret it. I doubt that. I just hope he believes in kharma. I do. How do you think I got here?

Okay, enough about all that B.S. I need to get back to some sort of life that I was stupid enough to put on hold for all this crap. I am NEVER like this, ask anyone. I just went crazy-retarded for a second. Okay, I am back.

Well on the news front. I talked to Miss Erica today after I received a rather startling email from my long lost gal pal Jenn. It was more like a memo than anything. Very formal. Very weird. I heard it was a joke. I hope that Jenn is not too bitter at me because I have not been there for her recently. I feel bad. I know that she has had a lot to deal with recently. We all have. I have been going through so many changes and shit and this particular group of friends doesn't know about it. I feel like I have been bad at not telling them.. But I also feel justified since we are not as close as we once used to be. On that note, Miss Erica asked me to read the scriptures at her wedding. I have decided to do it. At first I was gonna let the bitterness of not being in her wedding eat me up inside and make me into this vengeful person. But I am not that way so I am going to do it. I hated the fact that everyone else was in her wedding except me. I felt like an outsider at her engagment party -- all of my friends up at the wedding party table and me, by myself in the corner. By now, you can tell that being by myself is beginning to become a theme. I hated the fact that when Jenn graduated from college and received a trip to Hawaii for her and her closest friends that I was not invited. I mean, I actually went to her graduation unlike some people. We were close dammit! I guess I started to hate them for that as well. I guess that is why I pulled away from them for the second time. The first time I pushed them out of my life was because I couldn't stand to look Jenn in the face or even be around her because I had liked her so much back then. The second time was becuase I resented them for not including me. But that was all in the past. I am different now. They are different now. Plus, life is too short to be worrying about petty things. Besides, it was refreshing talking to Miss Erica after so long. I miss all of them. We'll see what happens next...

All of this makes me appreciate my friendship with Bobbie even more. I know she would never do anything like that to me. Sometimes I feel like I depend on her too much. With everything I have been going through lately she has been a real pilar of strength. My friendship with her means so much to me and I am glad that I have known her for this long. Yes, I know we annoy the crap out of each other... but at least we care! Okay enough of the sappiness already!

Last night I went out with Bobbie and Janel. It was so much fun! We went to Hong Kong Palace and got really bad service! First I asked for utensils and the waiter brings me hot suace! Then we ask for forks and he brings us these big ass serving spoons! We laughed so hard! Only us! Then they forgot to bring us two of the dishes we had ordered... so we got our check and went to Banna Bay instead. We had the bombest deserts over there. I now fully recommend the Thai Custard Toast... it is to die for! I also got a chance to see Mr. Waiter who I always check out... and he was checking me out as well... I have witnesses. It was dope.

Well, that is enough drama and heart pouring for now. I am dead tired and drained of all energy. I am ready to start a new week and a new outlook on life in general. See, more than one person got a new outlook on life these last few weeks. And I didn't even need the plane ticket!